Sun, shine on this mommy...

Gratefulness

2011-12-25T23:00:00.011-05:00

So here spills from my heart a cry of gratefulness, beyond what I can measure or put into words but I will try.

God,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for Your Son, who came to Earth.
Thank you for Your Son who felt hunger, temptation, suffering, love, longing, hurt, joy, family, friendship, wisdom, pain.

Thank You, in Your Infinite, Divine, Celestial Perfection, for sharing a Love so great; for imparting to us as a human species, an eternal outpouring of acceptance; of justice. A teaching of joy and peace. An ever existence of Truth in our hearts no matter how they may sway. The Strongest of shoulders to lean on. The Perfect sunset. The showmanship of Love. Oh how I would be lost without that.

Thank you a million times over for rain and for sunshine; for the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. For a thousand miles where You are my only companion; followed by a life filled with hugs of no end.

God, I am blessed. Oh Lord, I am blessed. I am right where I should be. I am in Your arms tonight. Loved. Loved. Loved.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Oh my Jesus. My Jesus.

Music in the Rain

2011-11-30T22:28:00.015-05:00

There used to be a time in my life when my outlook, my mood, my thoughts, my happiness centered around the weather, circumstances, finances, relationships and good health among others. These are things that are always changing, shifting. And just like the rise and fall of the ocean waves, so went my mood, up and down every day. I had hopes of waking up and looking on the bright side of things, but inevitably something would happen, as life does, to bring me down. It was a terrible way to live, running and hiding when things went wrong, nothing ever going the way I wanted them to for long. I shudder when I think about the countless hours that I laid in bed with the covers over my head, willing my problems away, angry and living in fear that nothing would ever be how I wanted it to be. I tried to turn to medication in order to alleviate the pain of the emotional roller coaster I was on: anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-pain meds. I blamed my pain on hormones, on everybody else, on the heavy workload, on the seasons, on my ill health. I thought if i just had more money, better health, more sunshine, more time to myself, more whatever, then I would be okay. That life would be okay.

As much as I disliked that time in my life and even the person I was back then, the true me, my awakened soul, knows that I must be gentle to her and love that broken girl who was struggling to find her path to joy. Grace allows me to see the truth about that chapter in my journey: how necessary it was to go through in order to fall forward to where I am now.

It rained quite a lot over the last week; quite a few dreary days that make you want to stay in bed. I am also sick with a sinus infection and have been sick off and on for the last month. In spite of that, I was keenly aware of a shift in my perspective about those realities. For one, I noticed myself staring out the window a lot, focused on the rain and the way it slid over the glass, large raindrops and small ones, beating gently in a rhythmic and soothing way. I focused on my breathing when things became overwhelming or when I felt myself slip into a fearful place. And when I couldn't even breath because my sinuses were so clogged, I sat over a steaming bowl of water and inhaled the fragrant sent of tea tree oil, staring at my eyes in the reflection of the water and seeing myself in a whole new way. My eyes didn't look tired even though my body felt that way. They appeared alive, shimmering and dancing to the music inside my heart.

Each day I make an effort to find the things I am thankful for, and to ask God to reveal the lesson I was meant to learn that day. What did each situation, conversation, moment come to reveal to me? What beautiful imprint of life can be permanently etched in my mind like a painting? This week it was about the rain and music. I felt in my soul the realization that there is music in music and there is music in the rain. There is music in the creaking of the stairs and in the dishwasher running. There is music in the way the coins, which slipped out of the pants pockets in the dryer, beat against the sides as it turns and turns. There is music in the laughter of my children. There is music in the wind. There is music in breath. And there is eternal music, the kind that will live on after death and through all of life's rising and falling waves, in that which we call love.

Awakening

2011-08-09T00:01:00.012-04:00

The Awakening Conference in Chicago. Truly an enlightening and amazing experience.

Summer Adventures..

2011-06-30T19:11:00.001-04:00

Our family took its first hiking trip to a state park about 1.5 hours south of our town last weekend. My hubby and I loved going when we were dating and we actually took a mini honeymoon here as well! There are endless caves to explore, scattered with waterfalls and wildlife, rocks and sticks. It was quite the adventure for two little boys! It is also really amazing what being outside, away from the daily grind, even for 24 hours, can do for your soul. Rejuvenation! Enjoy the pictures below...

Rooptops

2011-06-07T09:38:00.004-04:00

Giving up.

2011-06-06T14:01:00.012-04:00

About half way through the day today, a thought started running through my mind. First it was a quiet thought and then it got louder until finally it was a scream and I typed the thought out and sent it to my sister in a text. "I don't even know why I bother. I should just give up." Yep, that was it. And I meant it. I wanted to throw my hands up, jump into a cold pool and stay under the water until everyone just chilled out.

Do you ever have a series of days (or weeks) when everything just seems off? I do. They cycle and hit every few months and this weekend was just like that. After many difficult and seemingly endless circumstances, I began to wonder if it was all just ME. Was the rest of the universe aligned perfectly fine for everybody else and it was just me who remained off balanced? Sunday night afforded a short time to myself when everybody else was in bed and I spent time in prayer. I woke up today fully expecting to have a GOOD day. Life throws us curve balls, ALL THE TIME. My boys had what I am deeming "Veruca Salt Syndrome" from the time they woke up. "I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!!" A much needed phone call with my husband turned out short and snappy. I cried when I got off the phone and put my two year old down for an early nap. That's when the dreaded thought began circulating. I spend so much of my life trying to take care of others. I love doing it, I know that is why I am here. I am a mother and a wife, I serve at church, I encourage friends and family. But what do I do when all of my efforts seem for nothing? Kids and spouses are unhappy no matter what I do, children still scream, speedy drivers cut me off even when I drive slowly. Why do I even bother and should I just GIVE UP. We all feel that way sometimes. I try not to, but I just do.

Tonight I have small group. Normally I look forward to it, but today it felt like it was just another thing to check off my to-do list. Go and put on a happy face when I really just want to hide in bed and take a giant time-out. I opened up our workbook to begin the first lesson, feeling defeated and disconnected.

"I fear our generation has come dangerously near the 'I'm-getting-tired-so-let's-just-quit' mentality. And not just in the spiritual realm. Dieting is a discipline, so we stay fat. Finishing school is a hassle, so we bail out. Cultivating a close relationship is painful, so we back off. Working through conflicts in a marriage is a tiring struggle, so we walk away. Sticking with an occupation is tough, so we start looking elsewhere. (Charles Swindoll)

In a world where quitting has become chronic, God says persevere. Too many people are taking the easy way out. This is true in many realms of life, including the spiritual realm. Yet God tells us through James that perseverance through the tough times is the pathway to spiritual maturity and completion." (Study of the Book of James by Bill Hybels)

My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need." (James 1:2-4)

The study goes on say that what we learn in our own troubling times is how to help others and encourage them to keep pushing on when they are struggling. The mountains we climb will bring us closer to God and help us grow in spiritual maturity. I felt reminded that there is a reason for my struggles, they are developing important Godly character traits in me. It allowed me to spend time reflecting on what I call frustrating problems and what God calls important and necessary lessons to develop patience. I now know why giving up is a temporary solution, but perservering has an eternal reward.

I guess I can appreciate those curveballs when they reveal the Truth I need to realign my heart and mind.

Sunday of Holy Week

2011-04-17T14:03:00.007-04:00

This is the beginning of Holy Week. My spirit knows this. I am overtaken with emotions that I have never felt before. There was also an amazing message at church today that spoke to my heart. Needless to say, this Sunday has been awash with my tears. It is so cleansing sometimes.

I looked out the window just now, as I clip my Sunday coupons, and saw my husband and oldest son in matching blue and black jackets playing in the yard. Something so powerful came over me, and my heart spilled out tears of joy and thankfulness. God has blessed me with a life that for a long time I took for granted. Now I just cannot believe that this is all mine.

Today the sun shines and the skies are perfect blue. I know that a sunny day is a gift. It is a day I must not let slip away without rejoicing in it. Today is a glorious day to be alive!

I have had a realization (a full on "a-ha" moment from God). My heart, broken in a million different ways, is literally being rebuilt before my very eyes. Is this supernatural? Sure feels like it. I often find myself feeling so overwhelmingly loved, in ways I have NEVER felt before, that I will burst into tears. It is absolutely that emotional and I am not sure how else to react sometimes. I feel so sappy lately; I wonder if people think I am crazy? =)

Music feels so alive and soulful to me. I am desperate for poetry, God's Word, journaling and other forms of expression that become not only a creative outlet, but a form of worship that fills me up. When I refuel myself in God's presence, I honestly feel like I can face the day. Sometimes I am refueling all day long, otherwise I become disheartened and run down. But regardless, I find that if give ALL of myself over, all of myself is returned on FIRE and filled up.

So blessed

2011-04-15T12:45:00.003-04:00

God has been shining so brightly into my heart lately. I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. Every night I fall asleep praying for Him to use me as a vessel for His Love and Light. To shine this beautiful Love all around to others and to the world. It's easy to do when you read His Word and it speaks the most truthful and powerful messages into your soul.

Last night I spent time with my brother and his best friend. Being around others who love the Lord and talking about God's love and how thankful we are to be loved unconditionally is so overwhelming and wonderful. We spoke about how much hope we feel and how much joy we always have no matter what is happening in our lives . How dusty and dirty our shoes are and how they have walked in deep trenches and we have all dealt with the hardest of situations and no matter what, we are still so honored to put those shoes on each and every morning and stand tall and strong in the middle of battles. We are here to do God's work, to love each other and to shout God's name even when we find ourselves in the middle of tough times.

We chatted about worship and how each of us connects to God. I love to listen to music with a powerful message and pray it as my own, letting my soul sing out to God as I become one with Him and the music. I am revived when I do this, filled up with His power. My friend said he loves to look around at all the beautiful things of this world; nature, people, creation and celebrate the Lord as the Amazing Creator and Perfect Master Artist, saying thank you for blessing us the way He does.

I am just so thankful to know this kind of love. I am thankful to celebrate with those who know it and feel hopeful that someday those I love who do not know the Lord will find Him in their lives as well. He is all around us and always reaching out gently to us . I am blessed by the life I have been given and hope to honor it and others through Christ's perfect example.

I trust you.

2011-04-06T14:01:00.009-04:00

Father, I have complete and utter faith in You. There are so many questions I have, most without answers, so I wait on You, Lord. I don't understand the ways of this world, of people, of situations that arise. Trusting You is the only thing I know how to do, and You fill me up with peace and love each and every day. I am blessed by Your grace and how You shine light into my heart. Even without answers I feel calm because I know that You will take care of me no matter what. Your ways are perfect, who You are is perfect and I pray only to continue to trust in You for Your perfect wisdom. Amen.

Words

2011-04-04T11:09:00.005-04:00

This weekend I struggled a little bit with communication in various ways. I felt that I wanted to speak what is deeply embedded in my heart, knowing that it comes from a place of love and, I hope, good intention. But I don't know that I did a great job of articulating the words in a manner that was received the way I intended. Or that the pure love that I felt actually rose up with the words that were spoken. When I signed into Facebook this morning, I checked my "Message from God" and here is what it said:

"On this day of your life, Kacy, we believe God wants you to know that sometimes being silent is the only way to speak the truth. Sometimes words simply cannot capture the subtle nuances of your feelings. In such times, avoid being verbally misunderstood, by letting the silence speak through your eyes, your breathing, your posture."

There are definitely times when these little messages speak directly to my heart about what I have been experiencing. Communication is hard for me. I am not really the "silent type" and feel the need to fill empty pauses with words. I am working on just sitting in silence sometimes and letting the Spirit lead me to speak what would be best understood and meaningful to the person I am speaking to. I am also really working on trying to figure out where the words come from, what the intentions are behind them, before I speak. I also just want to learn to listen and not always give advice. I often try and "fix" problems by brain storming solutions out loud.

I think God is showing me that I don't have the ability to fix things. Sometimes words are not enough to offer comfort, let alone bring resolution. I am learning to trust that God has a plan for everyone in this world and not interfere by trying to play His role. I do feel the best in my heart and soul when my words encourage others, however, and I believe there is a reason for that. I know that I have been given a gift to offer my support and love and will continue to do that as I am called to. I just realize now that there is a time and a place to speak and to open up with words of love and there is a time to remain silent and let the presence of the Spirit do the talking.

Fire fall down

2011-04-03T00:20:00.000-04:00

The fire that is faith

2011-04-02T22:23:00.010-04:00

I have felt lost so many times in my life; dangling by a thread over a world that would swallow me up if ever my lifeline broke. I spent most of that time depressed and anxious, stumbling around without answers to the "whys" that life constantly threw at me. I was irritable and angry and really scared. I felt the desperate need for support but refused to take it. I knew that I could not move forward alone but I was too prideful to accept help. I needed a safety net.

Over time, I came to realize that what I was searching for was Hope; a light in the darkness that wouldn't just brighten on good days and burn out when I became weighted down with the burdens of being human. I needed a lantern which would shine brightly into my heart and never, ever, burn out.

As I write this, I am reminded of the gas fireplace here next to me where the smallest flicker of the pilot light is constantly aglow. It is always on, ready for someone to turn the knob and set the fire ablaze. This tiny innocent light serves as a reminder to me of the deep fire that sparks and explodes whenever someone needs to feel it's warmth or see it's light.

Faith is a lot like that. Hope begins faint and wavering, yet always lit. It flickers, waiting for the soul to turn the switch or kindle the wood and then the fire sparks and bursts forth. The heat thaws the icy heart, burns down the weary state of anxiety and depression and the billowing smoke smolders out the doubt.

What the fire of faith leaves behind is barren land; a place where strong towers of new beginnings, houses of hope and love, happiness and sanctuary can be built instead. I believe faith and hope will heal the pain of a broken heart. It will swallow up disbelief, uncertainty, regret, guilt, shame and despair.

I know this because the fire of faith has done this for me. The promise of hope in my heart that I am not alone and that I need not carry the heavy load on my own is something I cling to every day.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." Psalm 119:105

You're beautiful

2011-03-25T13:17:00.004-04:00

Searching

2011-03-25T11:16:00.006-04:00

Lord,

Where do I find You in the middle of chaos

When the depths of my soul seems filled with confusion.

I long to be more of who You want me to be,

But I am stuck inside my own head.

If I can just become quiet enough;

Centered in Your word and promises

I will hear You whisper back to me.

I want to be like a bird;

Spread my wings inspite of the rocks

That hold me down, and fly away.

But I am stuck inside my own head.

I pray for Your grace in my weakness,

For Your love to lift me up.

I ask for Your mercy

To seep through the shatterd

Cracks of my heart.

Organization/ Identity Crisis

2011-03-24T15:31:00.012-04:00

This is a difficult season in my life. I have discovered that I feel stuck, perhaps just in the middle of transitioning from winter to spring, from the closed-in feeling of hibernation to the desperate desire for a deep cleansing breath of fresh air. I am in need of change. Walking around my house, I notice the clutter and chaos of gathered objects which no longer have meaning. I desire to purge all of those things and simplify; literally throw things in bags and trash them. That poses a problem though, because I have a real difficult time just throwing things away. I prefer recycling because I always envision the mountains of trash that sit in landfills and I feel bad contributing to that with things in my house I no longer have use for. The other option, of course, is donating which we do a great deal of. Perhaps a yard sale would be in order. (I have had several failed attempts at yard sales in the last few years. Living on a Cul-de-sac, we just don't generate much traffic and it seems like more work than payoff.)

In my head I see myself releasing attachment to all these items and letting them go. But when I try to actually DO this, it just doesn't seem to work as efficiently as I imagined it would. I began to feel overwhelmed and have no idea where to begin. I start second guessing if I should in fact get rid of certain things, and I end up back at square one. For several years I have tried to slowly purge and have made a little progress, but we still have so much accumulated because of kids and my house is starting to feel unorganized. But I am really ready for a change. I am tired of feeling buried in the place I spend the majority of my time. I am tired of cleaning and cleaning without progress. I am tired of feeling defeated and exhausted. I long for a breakthrough.

Here's the thing. I know that truly, deep in my soul, the problem has nothing to do with my house, organization or lack thereof. For a very long time, I have had an identity issue. I attach my self image and my emotional stability on my surroundings. When things are disorderly around me, I am not centered inside. When the laundry is piling up in my bedroom closet, feelings of imprisonment, doubt and vexation are slowly growing inside. I become frustrated and this is not healthy.

Tonight I literally burst into tears after discovering I washed a load of laundry with a tissue in my son's pants pocket. The thousands of bits of broken up paper scattered over everything and it felt so ironic because it represented my emotions doing the same. All those feelings I have tied to my environment came spilling out of me.

I began praying. I wanted to know why I am such a perfectionist and why I cannot seem to find happiness apart from structure. I wanted to know why I cannot part from this untruth that tells me if things are chaotic around me then my emotions will be too. Who am I, God? What does all this mean to You?

Then I thought of some scripture I read this week. 2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" and Galatians 4:6-7: "Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba', So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir."

That's when it hit me all over again. My identity does not lie in the midst of household items, laundry and dishes to be washed. My identity is not maid, perfectionist or even mother. My identity is Child of God. I am not a slave to my surroundings unless I choose to be. I am not a slave to my emotions unless I allow them to overtake me. The only thing that matters to God and to me is that I am chosen by Him and loved. Everything else in this world will fall away, none of it really matters. Laundry will be done and undone over and over again. But God is eternal and if I can just remember that, especially on my bad days, I will awaken into the change I am searching for. God always has a wonderful way of realigning our priorities. I am thankful for that.

Details

2011-01-03T13:34:00.001-05:00

I have learned something that has shaped me fundamentally.

There is significance in everything.

Every moment has a lesson of some kind.

I have spent much of my life just trying to forget or move on from the bad moments or seasons in time. If I spent time doing nothing productive, stressing about something; getting frustrated; throwing a pity party; hiding under the covers; (input: whatever it is we do that we know is not really going to help us accomplish much of anything. Whining and crying, as our parents used to say, will not get what we want in this life.) Well, if I have done any of those things, it’s really no big deal because things can change the next time. Things will turn around.

And in this state of thinking, there is absolute truth. Things will ultimately turn around and change, as they always do.

But when we adapt this style of living, there is also a missed opportunity .

If we continually live with the mindset that right now doesn’t matter as much as later will, or that tomorrow is a new day and today we can just put off that which is to be gained; we will walk around life missing out on very important things.

We will overlook those details that paint for us a bigger picture, carry a valuable lesson or provide an opportunity for growth.

Each moment in this life is valuable. Each moment holds meaning.

Each element in time, no matter how difficult or how rewarding it may seem, gives way to a possibility.

When I look at life like this, I find an enormous amount of purpose.

“We are always getting ready to live, but never living.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

love!

2010-09-13T15:10:00.007-04:00

I am joyous

From the inside out

2010-09-06T22:10:00.004-04:00

The art of losing myself

In bringing you praise

Everlasting

Your light will shine

When all else fades

Neverending

Your glory goes beyond all fame

Stronger...

2010-09-06T21:26:00.007-04:00

Adoni,

Today I knew your strength

Deep inside.

I did not feel powerless

To the world,

But strong and confident in

Love and Truth.

The enemy could not

Take me for its prey.

Praise you for allowing me

A day such as today,

Where I wasn't in fear

Of feeling overwhelmed and

Incapable.

I accomplished so much

And am so proud of myself.

I felt more like you

Today.

I want to be just like you.

I desire your patience and

goodness.

I see your goodness in my life.

My how I thank you.

Amen

Awake my soul

2010-08-06T20:14:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite band right now; Mumford and Sons.

Gorgeous.

Why do I feel alone when I know my Lord is with me?

2010-07-22T11:31:00.010-04:00

There are days like today when I just beg to hear from God, because I am desperate to be filled with strength. Reminded of how human I am, I feel alone and weak and somewhat invisible to everyone around me. I want to scream out, "Can you hear me, can you see me?"

Being a Mom is hard. I love it so much, but yet there are times I just wish my children would LISTEN to me. I am so worn down, trying to stay consistent and not lose my cool in the midst of parenting toddlers. The deepest human interaction I have had recently is with Mr. Toddler who brings great insight into my world with his three year old mind, but I am at a place where I am longing for adult conversation.

My hubby is the BEST listener in the whole world. He is so great at it and most often he lets me do all the talking. I am usually the one who most benefits from communication and releasing what has built up inside of me. I do wish in these seasons of loneliness he would find a way to converse with me more wholeheartedly, but I understand as human beings it can be a struggle to meet others' needs in the midst of our own personal struggles. Our whole house is sick and run down. I am so proud of how hard he works and I just feel guilty coming to him with one more request.

Lord, I know you are out there and you have a plan for me. I know when human interaction fails me, you still fill me up inside. I find joy in the innermost part of my soul, even when the world feels broken around me. Thank you for loving me the way you do and I will keep waiting on You to bring me relief. I love you.

I struggle with misinterpreting the world around me sometimes. I fall prey to negativity and solitude. I think God knows my weakness of allowing myself to try and be fulfilled not by Him, but by others. Deep inside I know no one can "fix" me. But, Lord, I could use a friend.

Today I have found some advice to cope with loneliness.

1. Accept this feeling and move forward. Many people try to fight against this feeling, as it is hard, and it hurts. Accept what can not be changed, embrace these emotions. I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. --Phillipians 4:11

2. Realize that God brings us here not because He doesn't love us. He wants us to understand sometimes that relying on ourselves and our friends and family may not always be the best option. For me, I usually run towards friends or to my husband for help first and then God second when I have inevitably used up all my resources, all my energy and still feel something is missing . I think God is showing me that I need to tap into His kingdom first, and then perhaps He will send someone my way to be of assistance.

Thank you Lord for days even like today, because I know that You are building my character. If I can survive, for the first time, turning to You and Your help versus that of the world, perhaps the next time will be a little easier.

God bless you all, and in moments of loneliness remember God is there, and His word stands.

Confidence Part 1

2010-07-20T23:17:00.009-04:00

An excerpt from a forty page mini book which has spoken deep into my heart with the turn of every page.

The Book of Confidence by Father Thomas de Saint-Laurent

"Seek ye therefore first the Kingdom of God and his justice, and all these things shall be added unto you."

It was thus that the Savior concluded the discourse on Providence. A consoling conclusion, it includes a conditional promise; it depends on us to be benefited by it. The Lord will occupy Himself all the more with our interests when we concern ourselves with His interests.

It behooves us to stop and meditate on the words of the Master.

A question immediately arises: Where is the kingdom of God, which we must seek before all else?

"Within you," the Gospel answers. "Regum Dei intra vos est."

To seek the kingdom of God, is then, to erect a throne for Him in our souls, to submit ourselves entirely to His sovereign dominion. Let us keep all our faculties under the merciful scepter of the Most High. Let our intelligence be mindful of His constant presence; let our will conform itself in everything with His adorable will; let our hearts fly to Him frequently in acts of ardent and sincere charity...

There is, here, a kind of bilateral contract: On our part we work for the glory of the heavenly Father; on His part, the Father commits Himself to provide for our necessities.

"Cast thy care upon the Lord." "Think of Me," said the Savior..., "and I will think of thee."

I received this book for free at this website. It has made all the difference in my walk with Christ.

My willing heart...

2010-07-19T21:24:00.012-04:00

From Sun, shine on this mommy...

Happy Monday!!

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been so blessed by the church I attend, LifePoint Church in Delaware, Ohio. Recently I joined the small groups and have really embarked upon an even greater spiritual journey through our bi-weekly group time and communing about the grace we have been given through Jesus Christ. Today our lesson was on patience, coming at a very perfect time for me. The topic was opened with the definition of patience from Merriam Webster's dictionary:
1 : bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint
2 : manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain
3 : not hasty or impetuous
4 : steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity

The thing that kept striking me over and over again in my mind while we discussed was this perfect picture of patience we all know well. That of Jesus carrying his cross, after being whipped repeatedly, beaten, bruised and broken, yet suffering and bearing pains (the ultimate pains and weight of all our sins) without complaint. Steadfast despite opposition, manifesting forbearance under strain. Patience.

Someone mentioned patience being nonexistent without God's grace. What would patience be for if not for the hope that God tells us to wait calmly on Him because He is carrying out the greatest of all plans? What would patience be for without Christ to calm us, letting us know He will change our hearts? Only He can take away impatience. Romans 8:25 says, “But if we hope for that we see not, then do we with patience wait for it.”

Faith requires an endless amount of patience. As human beings we exist in a state of need and want. Quickly, provide me with answers, quickly fix this unbearable situation, quickly give me what I have been desiring. Faith is an intangible thing, often which can easily go hand and hand with impatience due to a lack of seeing for ourselves the Mastermind behind the scene. But one of my favorite Bible verses shows how sometimes existing in those moments that cause us pain, being patient without complaining, waiting on God to work His magic will only bring us closer to peace, happiness, and changes our impatient hearts to those which rejoice in trouble. We know that complaining will bring us quick relief but waiting on the Lord will bring us peace.

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance. --Romans 5: 3

Lord, today I ask you to shape my impatient heart. The way in which I wait patiently and hang on Your every word, I ask that you keep me in that spirit of calmness with all those difficult moments I face during the day. I pray for patience in the interaction with my children the way our Father displays patience in the lives of His children. I pray we may hang in time and space and wait on You, for this life is so short and soon we will live in your endless Glory. Amen.

And in [exercising] knowledge [develop] self-control, and in [exercising] self-control [develop] steadfastness (patience, endurance), and in [exercising] steadfastness [develop] godliness (piety). --2 Peter 1: 6

Reunited.

2010-07-10T21:30:00.006-04:00

My sweet sweet friends, I have missed you so. It has been over a year since I have sat down and written here. I feel sad for this space, that it has been neglected for so long, but am happy that I can sit here today, my soul rejoicing with the most brilliant love I have ever known because of salvation in Jesus Christ. This last year has brought me on a spiritual journey to the Truth of my life.

For a long time I felt hope that there was something greater in this universe, a greater meaning for living, a greater love. When I was sixteen I almost stumbled upon this love, I was so close, but yet so far away. I was not ready to hear the Good News. However earlier this year, after God put important people in my life to help open my eyes, I was baptized and have found a friendship in my Lord that can not come close to words. Yet, speaking words about this LOVE is what my heart and soul long to do. I can not keep the name of Jesus off my lips. I sing His praises every Sunday with my church family, a place I now call home. I am brought to tears nearly every day when I see the beauty of life that God has given me, and the grace He shines down into my life.

How much more amazing and glorious life is now wearing God shaped glasses, looking at the world from the Kingdom of Heaven and planting deep and eternal roots, like the Tree of Life, drinking from the well that Jesus has given those who wish to reach out and be touched by Grace.

It is above and beyond every wonderful moment I have ever experienced in life to live with this kind of deep peace and happiness.

I would like to leave you with a beautiful song by Ben Harper called "A Picture of Jesus".

Hope you are all enjoying your summer. I look forward to catching up!!

Much love,

Kacy

God as the most perfect companion.

2010-05-02T21:09:00.011-04:00

People in this world will fail you
Kick you while your down
But only One will serve to show you
True love needs no sound

No need for others to talk back
They only show their own
Injustice,
Sinful nature, selfishness
Corrupted by their own
Emotions

Searching, gaining
Falling backwards
Always questioning God
It's what we do
It's why we are always kept
In hatred's fall.

Turning sideways, looking back
It only brings on pain
Lash out at others
There is always someone
To take your earthly blame

So pound my heart into the ground
Over and over and over again.
I need not your joy or tears or
Your anger or your pain.

Life is not easy
There are two realities
Hell or Heaven in this place
You will always fail
In people
So I'd rather exist in grace.

A bit of bravery...

2009-07-23T15:01:00.005-04:00

Here are some things I have learned throughout my battle with an anxiety disorder.

1. Things that seem small to others feel large, overwhelming and scary to me. I have to trick my mind and tell myself that I can handle it.

2. I don't know sometimes what it is like to feel a middle ground.

3. My body goes into defense mechanism mode. I build up walls and struggle with communication and bottle things up. My mind changes constantly and at times I feel the need to flee and at others I need to hide. The simplest things frighten me. I worry and fix emotions onto events that may or may not even happen.

4. I feel shaky, breakable, like a fragile bird or shell. I feel like crying, running, screaming. I keep cool, stay calm. It's not often visible on the outside what I am really feeling inside.

5. It makes me feel weak. The smallest tasks become unmanageable. I get very frustrated because I am unable to complete the things that drive me, bring me passion. So then I watch myself through a backwards lens and feel trapped.

6. It brings me guilt. I feel like I should be a better mother. I wish I could take my boys to the pool when really I am stuck home, frightened by the world and not able to drive because the fear halts me. I always want to be a better person than I feel I am.

7. I always fight my way back, bit my bit, day by day. Some things make me backslide, way back to the beginning, my fears overtake me and my thinking is inaccurate. Each time I feel this way, I become closer to the knowledge of what helps me. What keeps me safe. What works and what doesn't.

8. This is why I call it a battle. I am a warrior to my own self.

9. Somewhere along the way I've latched on to the girl inside so I could stop feeling so alone. Sometimes inside I'm a mess but the person I see in the mirror is beautiful, broken. Surrounded by beauty and love. It's like being a child, and falling off your bike as you learn to ride. You get back on because you know there's more to see, endless riding possibilities. A world to explore. I will reclaim my life in balance, bit by bit and day by day.

Why does summer fly by??

2009-06-27T16:16:00.005-04:00

I have found that my poor sunshine space has been neglected for weeks because of the endless activity in our lives. It's incredible how MUCH there is to do during the summer and how quickly time goes. Then there's two boys full of more energy than my husband and I combined so we feel exhausted. A lot!!! Even though I haven't had as much time as I would love to update this space, the summer has been a busy one and I have kept my camera with me, capturing the whirlwind of activity. My anxiety level has been through the roof lately because of my piling to do list and the need to get things in order around here. I have a lot of decluttering to do (I swear even after a week of spring cleaning, things have piled back up). There is so much to go through and much to organize. It's hard to find much time during the day in between changing dirty diapers, taking Mr. Toddler to the potty, keeping the almost walking Mr. Buddy out of everything and picking up toys. Some days, it feels like in spite of spending hours over the weekend cleaning, the house is a disaster in less than 10 minutes. If the boys have a way to destroy the house with their toys in a matter of minutes, I think it's time to get rid of some of the toys we have. Man, on days like today, I wish I was a coffee drinker. My energy level must be on vacation or strike though, I just can't get motivated!! grrrr...Any ideas on how to teach a two and a half year old how to clean up his playroom? I hope everyone is having a happy summer so far. I hope to have pictures up here soon!!

xoxo!

Recheck

2009-06-21T02:19:00.005-04:00

I finished all my laundry
Managed to pack the boys and ourselves up, and I think I did a pretty good job of remembering just about everything.
The garage sale wasn't a huge success but it made us enough money to buy nice things for our family. I was happy with the folks that came and had some great conversations! I still have a garage full of treasures, but a whole summer to sell them ;)
My mom and grandma and brother all helped us out immensely for our trip. Not to mention my sister, hubby's parents and the family that have watched over our little guys and have allowed them to have a vacation of their own.
I have been having the best time ever here on vacation. It has been a trip of R&R, adventure, good friends and FUN.
Sometimes you have to let the universe take control a little and somehow things will fall into perfect balance.
I miss my little babes so much and can't wait to return to the land of mommyhood.
We are very lucky to have such a BEAUTIFUL life.

Cry baby

2009-06-17T22:20:00.009-04:00

My dad is leaving. He's moving to South Carolina with his girlfriend and I doubt I will ever see him again.
I keep picturing my poor little Buddy and thinking it's my fault that he died. I think about Molly and Daisy cat and I miss them.
I clean the same toys and rooms over and over again. They are messed up exactly the same way every time I go to bed at night, and when I wake up in the morning, I reclean it all.
I have been doing load after load of laundry. And making piles and piles. Piles of clothes to give to my sister, piles to sell, piles to donate, piles to pack for the boys, piles to pack for ourselves.
I have a garage full of yard sale items but no tables.
There is a 40 percent chance of thunderstorms on Friday.
If it rains and not many people come, I'll be going on vacation without a single penny in my pocket. My hubby says it will be an adventure.
I'm getting scared and anxious. I don't want to leave my babies. I know they are in good hands, but I am missing them and longing for them already.
I can't stop my tears from falling.
Sometimes it's therapeutic to let it out and start a new chapter.
And I'll be okay in the morning.

Insert sad smiley here

2009-06-15T12:47:00.003-04:00

Today I came in to greet my boys (not the human kind, the rat kind). lol. Every morning I like to go in and say hi and they will run to the bars and give kisses to my fingertips. They really are the sweetest little things. Except today when I went in, I noticed Droopy running about and when I called for Buddy, he didn't come. I called and called, and he is normally the first to greet me. Then I noticed him laying in the hammock. He wasn't moving and I knew something was wrong. Droopy was acting funny, sitting next to Buddy and nudging him with his little nose. It breaks my heart any time I see that an animal gets sick and dies, but it's hard when it's your own little pet. This is what I remember about being a child with hamsters. They always died and I always felt horribly sad. My parents eventually swore off rodents because of the heartbreak it caused us kids each time they didn't make it. I took Droopy and the babes on a car ride to return him to the pet store where I got him. The gal there is a breeder of the store's rats and she agreed to give Droopy a good home. The thing about rats is they need to be in pairs, it's the best thing for them. I couldn't stand to replace Buddy, and see Droopy get lonely all alone in his cage or the thought of finding him stiff and lifeless either. Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit sad today. I have had to say goodbye to every single pet we've owned, of which I was extremely attached, in the last 3 months. It feels a little quiet in this house, or different, without our animal friends.

On a brighter note, Mr. Toddler and I found a little toad hopping along our pathway today. We stopped to say hi and give him a back scratch. I know there will be plenty of moments in our futures where we will be able to interact with animal friends, even if it's out and about while we play.

RIP Buddy, we'll miss you.

Cookies and lemonade, 50 cents

2009-06-14T20:20:00.006-04:00

Saturday hubs and I leave for California for 8 days. The kids are going to be hopping around to my sister's, mother-in-law's and back to my house where my mom will take over. I know this will be a lot of fun and quite the adventure for 2 little boys, but it's also going to be lots of work for mommy. Packing ourselves, the boys, getting the house cleaned and stocked with necessities, and one other very large project I added a couple days ago...

We are heading out on vacation with about $30 to our names. This is the romantic ideology of traveling with only a few pennies in your pocket but going where your heart leads, right? haha. Although I'm really not stressing, because I know it won't make a difference, the great idea of a yard sale popped into my head. The only possible solution to our broke as a joke dilemma is to sell a bunch of stuff in order to fund our trip. (I have to bring the boys back gifts, there's no way around that!! :) Recently my family raided our storage unit filled with everything from our childhood. Now that we are all settled down, there was really no need for a storage unit, and it was time to weed through years of STUFF. I was the only one stuffing my car full of things that were old, broken, dirty and forgotten. I kept thinking about how it could be fixed, donated, sold, reused. Lucky for me I have a garage full of treasures because of it. I found happy meal toys from the 80s and 90s, porcelain dolls, jars, artwork, furniture, books, music, etc etc. With a little elbow grease and a bif of super glue, I was able to restore most everything to pretty good condition. My mom also brought up a bunch of stuff that she was getting rid of and now it's priced to sell and organized and I am hoping, well praying, that my yard sale is a success. I have lots of fun stuff to sale, I just need lots of people to come look :)

Nothing like purging before you take a long vacation. Our hope is that we will come back to a clean and less cluttered house, with a little money left in our pockets??? Caden will be helping too, he'll be there selling some lemonade and cookies, and showing our customers how everything works ;)

I'm glad it's Friday

2009-06-12T10:57:00.002-04:00

I am worn thin.

Rainy days, thinking days

2009-06-11T12:52:00.005-04:00

Most days it's beautiful outside and then there are those days of rain, thunder, darkness and for me it brings about lazyness, coziness and closeness. I don't feel like venturing out of the house, out of our cave. Today we made a fort, had breakfast in it and then tore it down. We folded the blankets up really pretty, stacked the pillows, organized the toys and spread out on the floor reading books.

I have been feeling just a bit sad and a little lonely lately, but what used to bring me way down in the past, now doesn't feel so bad. I feel like I can handle things better and find joy and happiness within myself, with my children and husband. I know I have very strong relationships with certain people in my life, unbreakable bonds that will keep us tied together. I know I have choices on the kinds of situations I allow myself to be put in and I know when and where I feel safe and secure. With those things in tow, I find that I focus less on the negative and instead on the beauty that is all around me. Things will never be perfect, there will always be misunderstanding with others, people you care a lot about. I feel like if I just follow my heart and have faith that I am okay, then I will be.

Summer a Go-Go

2009-06-08T13:25:00.009-04:00

I love summer because it is fresh and hot and full of life. There is so much to be done on beautiful days, BBQing, seeing family and friends, learning new things, playing outside, driving with the windows down, going on vacation, Farmer's Markets and lots and lots of cooking. Right now I am in the process of planning a schedule. Getting things ready for a summer that we'll never forget. I'll be needing books, art supplies, wood to build a sandbox, flower pots for our garden, maps and newspapers and magazine articles for our activity schedule, a binder to fill up when we get materials from the farms, science centers, zoo, flower exhibits. All the time teaching teaching teaching while the boys are learning.

I prayed a lot lately about what is my purpose now that I am a mother, aside from nurturing them and taking care of them. What can I give my children right now, easily, without any form of stress within me? My thoughts have been led to a feeling of happiness and hope. What I need in my life to make me happy is the ability to learn and grow. Now with children of my own who are discovering everything I once discovered myself, I realize a little more each day that I can give them the meaning of life. The way I view it through myself and through them. I can teach them whatever they want to know, and I'll learn with them. We can explore things, anything we want because if there is a desire to learn it, I'll find a way to teach it.

As a child I could imagine myself as a teacher, and had recent thoughts about going to get my master's in order to make a career out of it. I do want to have a "helping job"someday, make a difference in the community. I know inside that's where I'll be led. But right now, fascinated with two little boys and fueled by the knowledge that they are capable of learning anything and everything, I'm ready to put on my mommy teaching hat and rediscover the world.

Whose coming along?

Driving on my mind

2009-06-07T19:30:00.003-04:00

I used to hate to live out in the country, that was when I had a job which required me to drive downtown every day and it sucked! Now I love being out here far from many things but close enough to others. I think it's because it's serene and peaceful and beautiful. I love driving through the roads and looking at the trees and flowers, houses and farms and animals. It makes me realize how much I want that someday for my family. A place that keeps us safe and protected from all the bad things in the world but a place for friends and family. A place to run as free as the wind. The other day I drove home from work on the most scenic route around and took pictures. It was the first time I have ever attempted picture taking while driving. I think I did pretty well/stayed safe and was excited when I pulled in to see how the pictures turned out. It's been beautiful around here lately. I'm most definitely thankful for it.

Browsing the web

2009-05-28T23:59:00.005-04:00

I am very late to bed, nightly. My bedtime is usually 1 am, give or take a few minutes. I sleep like a baby once I hit the hay, but most nights I just love the quiet way too much, the time to catch up on internetting, facebooking, magazines, thinking. Tonight I am waiting. Waiting for the call from my sister that it's time for baby Maddox. Maybe it won't come tonight, but I am so excited, I still can't sleep.

Tonight I would like to share with you the following awesome websites that I have found.

Storyplace, Children's Digital Library

I think I will make it an early night. It's 12:34 am. Goodnight loves!

Busy days full of love

2009-05-27T22:50:00.007-04:00

Wow, I really haven't had a moment to sit down and write for over 2 weeks now. What a bummer. Sometimes my thoughts just spill out of me and it's easy to get it all down, and then there are times when those thoughts are still swirling all around in my head, there's just no way they can come out. But writing is my therapy, so it's on like donkey kong. ha.

Mr. Maddox (my nephew) was due on Sunday and we are still waiting. No one more than my sister, who looks amazingly gorgeous in every way, even at 40 weeks and almost 4 days pregnant. I just know Maddox is going to bless us all with his beautiful babyness soon (like TONIGHT!!!) I can't wait to meet him. 40 weeks is a long time to wait.

We have been traveling all over the city for spontaneous trips these last few weeks. Picnics spent at gorgeous parks, the zoo, a jumphouse full of giant blow up castles, with family for Bbq's, walks on nature paths. It is so fun to get outside. I love this weather, the aroma of fresh spring flowers, beautiful lawns, trees, water, wildlife. I love teaching my boys about leaves and plants and bugs. I love opening up my curtains and spilling the sunshine into the house. As you can tell, this is my favorite time of year.

And as promised, all those weeks ago, we did adopt some furry new babes for the house. They are two little boy ratties, sweet, loving, curious and so interesting to watch. Caden named the boys and we have been creating a fun rat habitat and playing with the little guys each day. It wouldn't feel like home without some sort of pet.

Buddy and Droopy

Mr. Buddy is doing tremendously better. This is the best news of all. His eczema is really clearing up now that the dog is gone and he is a happy and healthy babe. Thank goodness for this sweet relief for Cole and the whole family.

In sad news, my great-grandmother Bessie Ross passed away and I have spent days and nights mourning her, sitting in quiet contemplation, looking at pictures of her. She was a beautiful and kind woman. I will miss her. This weekend we will celebrate her life and reunite as a family in honor of my greatest grandmother.

Through it all, it really does feel like we are a true and settled family now. We do most everything together (except the occasional time spent with friends or on a girl's night out to dance to 80s music!!) Throwing a blanket on the family room floor and listening to music, dancing, reading, exploring, learning, cooking, eating, celebrating life and love. I know this summer is going to be wonderful. I can feel the energy, the peacefulness and new life all around me. And so we fill our days with love.

What day is it again?

2009-05-13T22:57:00.007-04:00

Oh, Wednesday. This week is never-ending and pretty sucky, to be honest. I have been dealing with my own sickness on top of battling Mr. Buddy's allergies as always. He went to the doctor for his check-up where I asked them not to give him all his vaccinations at once since I was a bit worried about his poor little immune system. The doctor said she didn't want to vaccinate him at all that day, he had an allergic reaction to something (who knows what) in the office. He broke out in red hives from head to toe. Then, after looking in his ears, she saw he had an ear infection and prescribed Amoxicillan. I believe he is allergic to this as well, each time we give him the dose, he breaks out all around his face. It is so frustrating, I do not know what to do anymore. I want so much to relieve him of this terrible ordeal, but I am coming up empty handed time in again.

So I have been beating myself up and allowing myself to feel like crap because of it. My house is a disaster, the laundry is piled up, I have only managed to hang out on a giant blanket in the family room with the boys, watching movies and reading books. I didn't even get them outside at all this whole week. I have dragged myself to work, and home, gone through the motions like a robot and have been trying my hardest to look beyond the disrepair and find hope somewhere in this challenging week. I miss talking to my friends (oh, my cell phone broke!), or having time for myself. I miss feeling healthy and sleeping soundly. I miss spending time with my hubby, we are always so busy juggling, juggling, juggling.

Ahhhhhh, sorry to sound so depressing. It is just one of those days. I know it's going to rain for the next couple days, so I need to find some kind of brightness inside, bring the spark and life back into my house. It went away, somewhere. I hope it comes back.

Or... I hope baby Maddox (my nephew) is born this week. That would most definitely shine a new light on our lives!!

My mommy's day celebrations

2009-05-11T13:38:00.008-04:00

We started out at the toy store where I used to work. The kids loved it!!

Then we went to Whole Foods and loaded up on yummy food for our picnic at the most amazing park ever. There was so much to do for the little ones, and I loved having time to spend with my family. I am one blessed mama!

Yummy cookies!!

The view from our picnic area

Mommy being silly with Mr. Buddy

MOOOOO!

Oh cute little one

Aww, Mr. Toddler brought me flowers

They smelled so yummy

The biggest swing you've ever seen!

They had these cool hands all over the sidewalk. I loved them!

Waiting on the train to take us all away so we could live in these happy moments forever.

A fabulous day for thrifting

2009-05-09T19:39:00.006-04:00

Today my hubby went paint balling with some boys from work and the kids went up to his parents because I had to work four hours this morning. After my shift, I decided to do some thrifting. The day before Mother's day, no boys to pester me as I shopped = perfection. I never would have imagined, in my wildest dreams, walking out with all the fabulous things I found, however. But I did, and it must have been my lucky day. I couldn't wait to post pictures of everything I bought (and all for so little money. I think I spent $5 on the most expensive item I bought). Here are my thrifting finds. Who wants to go with me next time?!? ;)

Lots and lots of summer clothes to take with me on vacation next month

These are all PJ bottoms, comfy and cotton with really cool prints. $2 each!

I totally have a thing for scarfs. I found so many cute styles. They are so versatile!

I don't even know where to begin to tell you about these purses, $1.49 each. I found a real leather hobo bag, well worn and gorgeous. I can't believe someone hadn't snatched this up already!!

What Mommy could forget her little guys?

Fun pot holders $.50 each!

This beautiful wooden plate

And super awesome retro platter

Sweet little things for Baby Maddox, who will be here any day!

This super big quilt was the most expensive item at $5. It is soft, in perfect condition and totally cool for boys. I love having comfy things to throw on the ground for rolly polly Mr. Buddy ;)

And I found these blankets as well!

And a sleeping bag for Mr. Toddler that fits him perfectly!!

New heavy glass candlesticks for the fireplace

Towels and linens, pillowcases and hankies. All for my sewing room and for our mystery pets.

Fun little pictures and a little candy dish

I have been dying for some new books, these were $.50 each.

Okay, this is what I am most pleased with. Each of these pillows are brand new, from World Market and so awesome. They were $2 each and I plan on using them outside when we have some deck furniture. What a deal, what a steal!!!

Treasure hunting has to be the best and most therapeutic activity ever. I feel no guilt because the prices were low and I found such cool and must have items. I hope you all are having a fun weekend too! And Happy Mama's Day to all you mommies out there!!

Vintage goodness and creature clues

2009-05-08T12:26:00.005-04:00

I found the most inspiring blog post today and I would die to live in her house, have a shop like that and fill my life with treasures from the past. So gorgeous!

Find more here

Also, last night, as promised, the whole family took a trip to the pet store. We looked at every single animal there. Some of Cade's favorites were the kittens and puppies (of course!), hermit crabs, lizards, and he liked looking at the fish but said he didn't want one for a pet. I did, however, find us the perfect companions, but they aren't home yet as we have habitat building to complete first.

Here are a few clues as to what little friends will be coming home soon ;)

Our little fellas will probably want something like this. Oh how I adore Etsy. Stop back, they'll be more clues soon ;)

Source

Making the best of...

2009-05-07T12:20:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was a hard day for me. For the whole family for that matter. We had to say goodbye to "Ruff", our Golden Retriever. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to things in order to gain in life. We will regain a healthy baby over time. And Molly will gain a new family to love her. As tough as it was, it is what feels right. We spent the whole afternoon playing with her. She got a bath, a pink hankie and time to play in Mr. Toddler's room (a first!!). He had time to say goodbye to Miss Molly and I was able to capture those moments.

And today is a new day. I woke up this morning all geared up for story time at the library, first toddler and then baby, back to back. I was excited to get the kids out of the house and take our minds off the stresses at home for a bit. When I went online to double check the times, I found out there are no story times for the whole month of May. Boo. I was bummed, but we made the best of it with a story time of our own!! Music, books, blankets, toys and then we followed it with a half hour of Sesame Street. It wore the babes out, they are happily napping early today and when they wake up, we are headed to the pet store! I promised Mr. Toddler that we could pick out a new pet. More on that to come...

All and all, it's been a pretty good day so far. I'm off to clean my bedroom and do some yoga. ;)

Today is a day like this...

2009-05-06T10:08:00.006-04:00

Yummy pancake breakfast.

Snow White on VHS.

Cuddle time with the boys.

Colds, coughs and fevers.

Blankets, funny faces.

Relaxation.

Nap time for Mommy.

Nap time for the little guys.

A little fun to brighten the mood..

2009-05-05T12:38:00.007-04:00

Well after making several of my readers cry with my last post, (sorry about that) I have decided to lighten the mood a bit. The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, and it's a day to celebrate!

CINCO DE MAYO

I would like to tap into my Mexican roots for a moment. ;) In college, 8 years ago now, I took a study opportunity "abroad" down to Cuernavaca, Mexico. I lived there for four glorious months and it was definitely a time to remember. Being immersed into the culture, meeting the people, studying the architecture and history, it was all a young girl going into her 20's could have asked for.

A little history...Cinco de Mayo is the celebration of the victory of 4,000 Mexican soldiers against 8,000 French forces on the morning of May 5, 1862 at the town of Puebla, 100 miles east of Mexico City. Therefore, is not a holiday that is celebrated in all of Mexico, and Americans have embraced the holiday for reasons of our own (Margaritas, tex mex, salsa music?)

So in celebration of today, I am giving a shout out to those in Puebla who will be really partying with coronas, family, music, dancing, and the most wonderful food!! And here are some pictures I dug out of my closet of glorious Mexico and the sunny days I spent in the "City of Eternal Spring".

I also know one lucky person who was born on this day 60 years ago. He's my dad-in-law, so margaritas all around in honor of Jim :)

(Jim & Justin, 1979)

Answers followed by questions...

2009-05-04T22:29:00.010-04:00

As I have mentioned in previous posts, Mr. Buddy (my 7 month old) has been suffering with severe atopic dermatitis (eczema) since he was just a new little babe. We finally got him in to see a very cool allergist today. They did a skin prick test on both Mr. Toddler and Mr. Buddy. Mr. Toddler received a clean bill of health, not one single allergy. Mr. Buddy on the other hand, as the doc assumed even before the allergy test was performed, did not fare so well. We now know he is allergic to cats, dogs, wheat, corn, eggs, peanuts and oats. This is the solution to the mystery we have all been waiting for. As happy as it makes me feel to know what I can do to make changes in our lives and get him back on track, there is a part of me, deep inside, that feels broken.

Several months ago, as I was investigating what might be causing his allergic reactions, I took a stab in the dark and decided to re-home our cats. I had a strong feeling that he was allergic to them, and it just seemed like the right thing to do. Daisy, my little white cat was my friend and little furry soul mate. We adopted her when she was a wee little kitty, bony and scraggly, my sweet baby girl.

Over the next several years, she became attached to me, following me all around the house and cuddling up to her mama at every chance she got. And when Mr. Toddler was born, she became his furry best friend too, he loved her and it was very obvious how much she loved him back. I mourned losing her, I imagined she would be with me for years to come and grow to be an old lady in our home. It breaks my heart to think about the quietness in our house without our cats. After that I scrubbed and cleaned the house until it shined. I was on a mission to rid our house of all lingering cat hair so Mr. Buddy could breathe a little easier. It was a relentless task, and one that did not solve the problem in full. We still had Miss Molly, our Golden Retriever who lives on the first floor, and poor Mr. Buddy was still breaking out.

The story of Molly is quite funny. On my birthday in January, 16 months ago, I had an 80's themed birthday bash.

We partied into the wee hours of the morning and that's when Molly came into our lives. She ran into our garage on that rainy and cold winter morning. She had burrs in her hair and was skin and bones. No collar, no tags, nothing. In the instant I saw her, I named her Molly and we brought her into our home, bathed her, gave her a warm place to sleep while I began a search for her owners. I contacted every outlet imaginable and no one claimed her.

My hubby grew up with Golden Retrievers, it was the pet of choice in his family, so he hoped we could keep her. Mr. Toddler was only 13 months old. What a special gift to give our son. Over the next several months, I realized how hard it was to have a dog. She needed to be walked in the middle of winter, the hair in the house was overwhelming me (the neat freak that I am) and we dealt with her first heat (yuck!). She was timid, sweet but reserved, and I wasn't sure that she was the right dog for us. I was sceptical, became pregnant with Mr. Buddy and just wasn't sure I wanted a dog around (I could smell her from a mile away. To me she was just a stinky, hairy dog). But as the months passed, I watched her grow to be such a lovely friend to Mr. Toddler and even though we still had our moments, I began to love her too, just like the other boys in the house. We kept her groomed to manage the hair, installed an electric fence, and she became a true part of our family. Everyone said it was meant to be, she was the best birthday gift anyone could have received.

Now, with the knowledge in hand to cure my baby, we have to say goodbye to Molly, too. I have found her a happy home, a family with an eight year old boy to love her and take care of her. And I could never have imagined a year ago that I would be crying over a dog (I guess I just wasn't a dog person) but I am. I am crying for my sons who will never be able to grow up with a dog, and I am crying for my husband who really loves her and took care of everything when I just didn't want to deal with the mess of a dog, and I am crying for myself because I love her, too. She won me over little by little until we became great friends. I am so heartbroken and sit here wondering why. Why did she come into our home just to turn around and leave again? What was the meaning of her presence in our lives, knowing my two year old probably will not even remember her; "Ruff", his furry best buddy? How do you explain to a toddler why our fun loving dog no longer lives in our house anymore?

Tonight I am spending time asking these questions and mourning, because tomorrow I will have to pick myself up and be strong again. I'll be strong for Mr. Toddler, as to save his little heart from aching. I will be strong for Mr. Buddy who has lived his whole life in pain; he doesn't know any different. If I could give him one single second of relief from this whole ordeal, I would. I will do anything and everything I have to do to make him better.

Sometimes in life we receive answers that make us ask why. But I know inside it is because Mr. Buddy needs a new start, and this is a way to give it to him. Maybe our animals were around to show us how to love, to teach my toddler what it means to love an animal, to respect a living creature. And someday we will have our house in the country with a barn and my boys can have goats, or pigs, or baby chicks. Maybe this is God's way of telling me I can only handle so much, and it's time for Molly to find another happy home, and for Mr. Buddy to get healthy.

Wednesday Molly will ride away with her new family who will be overflowing with happiness at the friend they are gaining. And I will take Mr. Toddler to the pet store to pick out a fish, or a hermit crab, or maybe a turtle. In his perfect child's mind, maybe it will mean the same. A little creature to love and take care of. And he'll grow up knowing we will always do what's best for our children, and make sacrifices for them because that's what we do for love.

My weekly wrap-up

2009-05-01T13:46:00.009-04:00

This week was an intermixing of battling a really bad double ear infection, multiple urgent care visits, and much time spent in bed with vertigo. I am still not fully recovered because this type of bacteria is mostly antibiotic resistant, however they have me on a really strong dosage anyway which really really makes my belly hurt. Good thing for probiotics!

The one thing I always make time for, one of the few creative outlets I can manage, is journal writing. I draw, make lists, write about my days, bitch, etc. I thought I would share some of my past entries with you. They span about 5 months of my life, troublesome and tiring times spent with a newborn and 22 month old while struggling with post-partum depression. I found hope in my journal writing, however, and it helped me to keep pushing on.

Today I was able to spend a little time outside, finally! Mr. Toddler ran around with Mimi (my mom) and played in the front yard. I was happy for the break in weather (yucky rain) for a bit of sunshine. I was so thrilled to see that my hostas are popping up and so are my daylilys! I am so excited to start planting my vegetable garden, more flowers and herbs!

Also, I have been waiting for months and months to get Mr. Buddy into a specialist in order to solve this horrible eczema that he has been plagued with since 6 weeks old. On Monday I finally have an appointment with a pediatric allergist who I hope will find a solution to this problem. I cannot bare to see my little babe struggle through these miserable rashes any longer, it's time for Mama to demand some answers! Below is the worst picture I have ever taken in my life. This happened about a month ago after Mr. Buddy broke out in a raw and oozing rash from head to toe, which he scratched until he was bloody. I took the picture so that I can take it with me to the allergist and show them how bad it gets.

Lately, for some reason, his break-outs haven't been as bad. I can usually keep it under control on his face, but he always has patches of skin that are scabbed and red throughout the rest of his body. Inspite of having to deal with all of this as a baby, he remains so happy and loving. He is really one of the best babes around.

Happy memories

2009-04-26T21:55:00.011-04:00

Today I spent some time looking through photos of my childhood. Awhile back my grandmother gave me all the photos she had of my sister, brother and I as children and my dad as a boy. I really wanted to see if my boys looked anything like myself as a baby and then I just couldn't stop looking through the bin of pictures. Most of them made me smile and it's just amazing how happy we all looked in every photo. Real genuine happiness and innocence, the kind I capture now with my own children. Some of the pictures made me a little sad; those of family who have passed on and a longing for the feeling of being a child, protected and loved and taken care of. An aching in my heart for the way things used to be.

Growing up I had a great support of family and my siblings and I were very close. We all found fun ways to entertain ourselves without a lot of money. We put on plays and gymnastics shows where we sold tickets and handed out programs, we sang and danced and ran around free. We played school and office and house. I was always the mommy, my sister the baby and my brother the dog. (Poor Jerred, he was always the one crawling on the ground and barking, but we couldn't have a real family without a dog, right?) It felt like the fun never stopped and even with all the rough patches, we were still a family who wanted to enjoy life. Reminiscing on sweet memories of the past is much different when you have children of your own. It reminds me of how fast we grew up and how much the world changed as we did so. The innocence slipped away a little more each year as we grew to be adults, faced with real responsibilities and decisions and a reality that life wasn't always like it was when we were young. We struggled through the separation of our parents and what felt like the break up of our family. But we made it through, and now I have a family of my own.

Sometimes I get caught up in the stresses of being a young mom with little boys and having the ultimate responsibility of educating and nurturing my boys so they can grow up to be happy and kind adults. But looking through all these pictures reminded me that children are simple and carefree and they grow up fast. They don't have high expectations of this world and find happiness in the smallest things. They live life moment by moment because they know we will always love them and do our very best to keep them safe. It lifted my spirits high to know that someday they will look back through pictures of themselves in all their youthfulness and probably smile as well, reminisce about the old days and feel a longing for the happiness they felt as kids. At least that's what I pray and hope for more than anything. I know I am doing my very best to make happy memories for my boys as well.

My sister, brother and I in Panama City Beach, FL circa 1994

Check out the tie dye! Playground rats!

Capturing the innocence of childhood. Mr Toddler and the water park Daddy created for him today on this gorgeous, sunny and warm day.

A pain in the...

2009-04-25T23:33:00.004-04:00

Uck. Last January, right around the time I became pregnant with Mr. Buddy, my family doctor of 11 years officially diagnosed me with fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition associated with the muscles and connective tissue in the body. I spent close to an agonizing year before that in severe, unexplained pain throughout my body and suffered through horrible gastrointestinal problems. I had many tests done which ruled out more serious issues, such as stomach cancer or ulcers, but I felt alone in my journey to recovery, doctors giving up on me or passing it off as something "in my head". I began a mission to search for answers, researching my symptoms, disorders, elimination diets, food allergies, medication, etc. I asked my doctor for lab after lab work and finally found some answers. My family doctor, after reviewing my history (with prompting) came up with several diagnoses, fibromyalgia being one of them. Thankfully our insurance covered massage therapy and I was able to see a very successful alternative doctor and find some help with diet control and a supplementation regimen. I also felt very healthy and much better during my pregnancy, which my doctor described as the body's way of preserving the baby. Even though I was feeling better, my body was still being beaten down by things such as a thyroid disorder and mental issues such as depression, anxiety and insomnia.

After Mr. Buddy was born, I struggled through post-partum depression, got help with medication and counseling, and am now in a much healthier mental state of mind. I am happier and thankful every day for my children. After two pregnancies and childbirths, however, I am feeling the pain creep into my body once again. I know my body has changed and morphed to carry children, but I need to rebuild it's strength and flexibility. There are some days where my hips feel like they are going to pop out of place or my elbows are going to break. My lower back is constantly sore with nerve pressure and my neck is so weak. My bones crack and feel brittle and I often have headaches and jaw problems. It is frustrating to feel so beaten down, like I am living in the body of an 80 year old (and I swear there are 80 year olds who are in better health and shape than I will ever be!!)

My only relief through this has been yoga. It has changed my life. It helps in immense ways, through deep breathing for stress relief and calmness, stretching the muscles and working out the kinks. I feel wonderful while I am practicing, however it is not enough to take this pain away completely.

There are people (mostly women) who are bed ridden with this disease. It is debilitating and real. There is no easy cure, doctors are boggled by the immense pain it causes. Like anything else that is important and unknown, people are fighting for answers, time and attention from the medical community and pain relief options that work. I find that the most effective way to get through this is to find strength from within and pray for strength from the universe. I have to be stronger than even I know how to be sometimes, because my children rely on me.

There are wonderful days and miserable days. There are ups and downs. At one time I think I viewed the glass half empty; I gave up because nothing helped and I felt like crap all the time. I can't think that way anymore. I need to show my children that being strong and fighting for positive results is the best way to live. I take this advice from Thomas Edison, a leader and innovator, “Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

Even when I feel like throwing in the towel, swearing off a recovery because nothing seems to work, I don't. I know I will probably continue to live in pain as this is a lifelong disorder, but I will not stop finding ways to help my body and mind stay strong. It's the least I can do.

Celebrating Mother Earth

2009-04-22T22:36:00.008-04:00

I have been looking forward to Earth Day for quite some time now. I really wanted to get Mr. Toddler in on the action and have him celebrate Mother Nature and all her beauty. Funny enough, it was quite an interesting day for weather. For most of the day it was really windy and the trees were whipping all around. When I looked out my window the sky was divided in half, dark clouds and rain on one side and bright sun and poofy white clouds on the other. In the middle of the division was a faded rainbow, barely visible. This is the second time this week I've seen a rainbow out of my kitchen window. On my way to work, it was raining, then hailing and then it cleared right up and the sun came out. It made me smile though, I mean if you were Earth and it was your special day, wouldn't you just love to mess with people by switching up the weather all day long? ;) Even though it wasn't as sunny as it has been, we have all heard stories of gorgeous weather to come this weekend, so I promised to be patient and enjoy the sunshine in a couple days.

After I got home from work, Mr. Toddler and I created an Earth Day Celebration display. The idea had been on my mind all day, and he was so thrilled to set up all his animals and trees in a circle and color an Earth day picture.

It felt so good to share in a special activity with my babe. He is growing up so fast and it's so fun to teach him new and exciting things and watch him learn and grasp huge concepts such as earth and nature and the circle of life.

We each took turns holding Mr. Tree Frog and pretending he was tickling our hands! :)

And of course I had to celebrate our planet with some mommy stuff too. First was my special Earth Day outfit which I was told made me look like a tree (how fitting).

I also partook in some earth friendly cleaning of my house with cool and safe products I found. I made sure to really conserve water today and save on electricity, (sometimes I can be forgetful of important things like that) and in my mind I felt happy to be blessed with such a nice place to live.

Happy day to you beautiful Mother Earth. I hope we can continue to celebrate and protect you all year long.

Easter Weekend

2009-04-14T10:51:00.019-04:00

This weekend was wonderful. Friday we took the kids to the zoo, where they had a little Easter event for members. Mr. Toddler really enjoyed the giant aquarium and touching the little sea creatures. Of course we had to finish the night off with ice cream, and ran shivering back to the car. Saturday we celebrated with my in-laws and all the cousins. We ate yummy food and the little ones had an Easter Egg hunt. On Sunday, the Easter Bunny rang the doorbell and left the boy's baskets on the front porch. Caden couldn't believe it was true!!! He had so much fun exploring his basket, of which I filled with inexpensive items from the thrift store and $1 section at Target!!! We then gathered at my sister's for a really great dinner and spent time outside in the sunshine. It was truly one of the best times for my family. I love seeing the boys grow up and their excitement shining through at life's greatest joys and moments. It is wonderful being a parent!! :)

I thought I would incorporate a slideshow because looking through the pictures brings back the brightest and happiest moments!

Celebrate yourself and celebrate our universe.

2009-04-08T19:27:00.004-04:00

P'taah's Morning Song

"From the God/ Goddess of my being I give forth thanks

for the love that I am.

For the love in my life and the love that surrounds me,

Thank you.

Thank you for the miracle of life that I am and

thank you for the miracle of life I see reflected all about me.

Thank you for the gift of life that I am.

Thank you for this perfect body, my health and well-being,

Thank you.

Thank you for the abundance that I am and

thank you for the abundance I see reflected all about me.

Thank you for the riches and the richness of my life andthank you for the river of money which flows to me and through me,

Thank you.

Thank you for the excitement and adventure of the millions of wondrous

possibilities and wondrous probabilities,

Thank you.

Thank you for the wonderment and thank you for the joy.

Thank you for the beauty and harmony.

Thank you for the peace and tranquility.

Thank you for the laughter and thank you for the play.

And thank you for the privilege of serving and sharing the gift that I am.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"And, by the way, all of those things that you have given thanks for do exist in your life. Love is the truth of you and there is not a lot of lack here. Your body is a miracle and is absolutely perfect. You are abundance. How could it be any other way? And all about you in your exterior reality you are surrounded by love, by abundance, by the miracle of life. And you do know about the possible and probable realities -- wondrous and limitless. You do know about peace and tranquility; about love and joy and laughter and play. And even if you cannot really grasp it in this Now, you truly are a gift.

Sing this song to your universe each day as you go forth to bathe your body, as you stand beneath the delicious flow of water and your beautiful body is warm and relaxed. The water is crystalline in property and is grandly magnifying, and as you sing forth the words, the sound embraced by the feeling in the Is-ness, in the Now of being in total abundance, you are in that reality. And as you go forth in your day, you carry with you the resonance, the energy that knows no lack. "

Taken from http://www.ptaah.com/MorningSong.html

I truly felt most revived last summer when I was pregnant with Mr. Buddy and saying this every single morning when I woke up. I would stretch out (as much as my pregnant body would allow me), breathe deeply, and repeat this beautiful prayer. It made me feel so worthy of this life and brings me great peace and fulfillment. It is meant to be an affirmation you keep with you in your head every single moment of the day. For me, this wipes away the negative thoughts I sometimes think about... whether I am being a good enough mom to my children or accomplishing enough in my life. It's easy to let overwhelming and inaccurate thoughts supersede other more acceptable thoughts. And it's very difficult to teach ourselves to think correctly about ourselves. I find that this uplifting and encouraging and truthful. I felt inspired to share it because I have dug out this prayer for my own use again! When do we really give ourselves enough credit for being who we are? Now is the time to change that!! We have so much to be thankful for!

Little spring babes

2009-04-07T21:50:00.018-04:00

I love spring because it's the time when new babies are being born all over the place!! I just had to post pictures of the new little baby boy elephant born at the Columbus Zoo a couple of weeks ago. He is the cutest little thing ever, and I can't wait to get the kids over there to see him! So clumsy and so big.. over 300 pounds already! I guess I'm not the only one who gives birth to big boys. (Cade was over 9 pounds!) HA!

And then let's not forget about this little buddy, which I would gladly take home with me any day!! I wonder if Mr. Buddy would be allergic to a baby cheetah since it's related to the cat family? lol.

The best by far is seeing the little ducklings, swimming behind their Mama Duck. I get a kick out of those waddley little guys!!

Behind my house is the most wonderful place ever. It's an Ecological center/farm where they raise their own animals, grow their own organic produce, herbs, maple syrup, honey, and the list goes on and on. Very recently they welcomed baby lambs which anyone can come visit on the weekdays and weekends! The baby goats are due at the end of the month!

And it's not just our furry friends that are having babies this spring either! My beautiful younger sister is expecting her first little sweet pea at the end of next month! We had a special party in her honor. There is nothing like seeing the glow of a pregnant woman, so full of love and radiating an inner beauty that only expecting mothers can. All babies are miracles in every way. They bring new life and love and show us how amazing and nurturing mothers are, even in

nature!

Enjoy your babes, and all those being born around you!!

Is it really snowing?!?

2009-04-06T22:32:00.008-04:00

Oh my oh my. Ohio. What to do with you? I have lived here all my life and this is far from unusual. Snow in April? Normal. 80 degrees in December? Normal as well. Yesterday Mr. Toddler and I spent over two hours playing on his new little slide system (actually it was a gift from my Aunt whose neighbor gave it away!!) I love getting well loved treasures, a little bleach water and cleaner, and it's as good as new. We picked up fun rocks and made a little rock garden next to the front porch where I am excitedly waiting for some perennials to pop up, and then he took a long walk with dad and came back dirty faced. It was 70 degrees and I felt Spring's beauty shining upon us. And today it was flurrying. A reminder that we really must not blink our eyes or else Spring will be gone and Summer will be here in no time. I have had a busy few weeks, back to working in the evenings two nights per week. Even though sometimes it is hard to drag myself out of the house, I love once I am at work, cozy in the office and close to my friends. It feels like a nice place to be each time I return. This weekend is Easter, and I have been teaching Cade what it means, and telling him about the Easter Bunny too, who will be leaving him a hidden basket on Sunday ;) Spring is such a beautiful and peaceful time of year. This year it is bringing a fresh new start and a newfound energy that I haven't had for quite some time. I feel rejuvenated and happy.

Oh, and I must not fail to mention that hubby and I are flying away to San Diego for his 30th birthday at the end of June!! The kids are staying with both grandma's and Mommy and Daddy are going to learn how to surf and lay around at the beach!! It's been sooo long since we've had a true vacation. It feels like it cannot come soon enough!!!

Happy Spring, snow flurries and all!!

About us...

2009-04-06T16:31:00.005-04:00

Hello, welcome to the new blog space. I find this to be a much more user friendly place and already have found a great many blogs that I love to read, so I figured this would be a good move for Sunshine Mommy. I hope my old friends will follow and I will make many new ones!!!

First, for those with whom I have yet to chat, I wanted to share my family with you :)

The Little Buggers

Mr. Caden Toddler

Loves toy animals, books of all kinds, wrestling with dad, cuddle time with mom. He's the best big brother in the whole world and keeps mommy company during the day.

Mr. Colten Buddy

Loves to eat, smile and coo, is a great sleeper (except when he's teething!) is very happy being rocked and sung to. The chubbiest and cutest little babe ever.

The Hubby

This is my hubby, Justin. He is super smart, into computers, cars, football, anything involving science and things way over my head, photography and music. He puts up with me patiently, is always on the same page as me (even when I have no idea what page that is), and he lets me have sanity breaks. He's a great guy and anything I complain about is strictly out of love or probably cause I'm just having a bad day ;)

Molly the dog

Enjoys belly rubs, eating sticks in the yard and playing around with Mr. Toddler. She is a great family dog and doesn't mind being jumped on or having her tail pulled.

Spring cleaning

2009-03-24T21:38:00.001-04:00

Sorry I have been MIA lately. I have been doing the most dreaded thing ever. Spring cleaning. As I have mentioned in previous posts, Mr. Buddy's eczema is constantly here and we have chalked it up to allergies. So first thing first, we had to say goodbye to the kitties :( We found them a really nice cat welfare place where people come to adopt the kitties, (http://www.uchspets.org/home.html) so I am hoping that they will find happy homes. It is still such a tough thing to do :( Next it was time to battle 4 years (in this house) of cat hair! I Dyson'ed my way room by room, scrubbing, sweeping, dusting, washing everything the cats touched, wiping down walls and windows. It was the most exhausting week ever. I have many bruises and injuries to show for it :/ This weekend Hubs joined in the party to help me finish the last of the rooms upstairs. Things are simple now, clean, decorated, they feel fresh. There are two large jobs left to tackle: the basement (oh boy) and the garage. The basement, as many know, is a catch all of the random things that there's no place for, plus other random things that get shoved down there. My hopes are to organize the stuff into bins and finish all laundry, plus take pictures of the things we don't want anymore to sell on Craigslist. We are kid free for the next two days, so I am going to take advantage of that time!

I have always been one that hates to clean. That's probably why my house piles up quickly. I am lazy about putting things away, just like the rest of us in this house, so it has always been a daily battle to keep on top of everything. I guess we are pack-rats, although not in the sense where our house is filled with junk, just that we have kept hold of a lot of different things from our past that we just don't need anymore. So by purging all that stuff and bringing in fresh, "new" items (most all have come from the Goodwill store), I feel like our revamped house brings a new start; one that I desperately need. Once I started to clean, I began to feel empowered. Like all this mess and clutter that had controlled me for so long, was no longer out of my reach. I had the ability in my hands to master getting things neat. And I knew I was doing it for Mr. Buddy, so I kept pushing on. Now I feel a sense of relief, a huge weight off my shoulder. It literally has allowed me to open other doors and put this behind me, so I can move forward on to the things I have really been wanting to do lately. Sewing!! Painting!! Reading!!

I cannot lie, as I cleaned my way through the house, I had a vision. I new what needed to be bought to make the room complete. (And shopping is always a motivator :) In my walk in closet, I found empty space and lots of it. I envisioned a sewing desk there and two days later, as I stumbled into a different Goodwill store, the desk found me! So with lots of fabric I have from here and there, I have started making curtains. Recycling old into new. It feels good to make your house your own. And that's what I have been doing for the whole family. The boys rooms got rearranged and my bedroom feels like it has never been this comfy ever. We still have good 'Ol Molly (aka, the dog) who is a Golden Retriever. She is not allowed upstairs and we keep her shaved, so I am hoping Mr. Buddy clears up and we don't need to rehome our pup too. Only time will tell for sure.

Sunshine is here and I am excited to move outside and begin the planting and yard prettying :) And I will be back to work more, which is great for me and the whole family!!
Pictures of the Upstairs (Scroll mouse of each picture for a description):

My week behind the lense.

2009-03-16T21:36:00.000-04:00

I pledge allegiance...

Cereal with a tablespoon.

Gotta go potty!!

Applesauce!

Kisses for Mommy!

Mr. Buddy's corner of Mommy's room

Don't forget to take pictures of me!

Coloring

Saying goodbye to Daisy :(

Sleepy dude

Closeup!

TV time

Oh silly boys!

Playroom

My new haircut! (which I chopped all by myself!)

Tonka man

I just got spit up on!

Mr. Toddler

In the wagon

Hauling that thing up the hill!

Dusty

Smiley boy

Slidin'!

Weee!

"I am a boy"

The playground in our neighborhood

Swinging with Daddy

Bright eyes

Oh what a cutie!

I did it!!

Look at my hat :)

Working on my quilt.

If you're reading...

2009-03-09T21:29:00.001-04:00

And I am referring specifically to one person in particular, my hubby. He says he reads my blog, but it may be one of those “Oh babe, I read your blog, of course” sort of deals and really doesn’t. I know he has read a few and has been supportive of my blogging endeavor, but I’m thinking he may not see this one for awhile. And if you are reading this for some crazy reason, here are my qualms with a few things…

Today we got out of the house as a family because I have been itching and scratching to get to another thrift store that is right up the street. There are many thrift stores in my town, which is a lovely thing. We haul the kids out (it was a beautiful day) and hubs starts in on how, “there are no carts, I know there are no carts” and I’m like “Are you kidding me, there are carts.” “Where?!? I don’t see them.” As we enter the store there is the most giant blue cart I have ever seen that makes a toddler look tiny in the top and a car-seat fit comfortably in the back plus all the goodies I picked out (I need this blue cart everywhere I go!) I’m like, “Seeee, there are carts!! Don’t doubt me, I KNOW thrift stores!” I’ve grown up with a granny who loved going. Anyway, I go in on my own little mission, to find the most important things in the place, they pop out at me, and I walk fast and he gets in his grumpy shopping mood where he investigates every purchase and frowns at me cause I am spending money. I’m spending $2 and $.50 and $1 for heaven’s sake. I stumble across the VHS tapes and my mom recently gave Mr. Toddler a T.V with a VCR attached. I put this in his room because we hardly get to play up there and he only gets to use it for his special movies. So it has been my mission to find all the Disney classics on VHS. I guess maybe it’s a throwback thing, it reminds me of my childhood and I want him to experience it too. Hubby doesn’t seem to understand my insight at this point. Why we wouldn’t just get them all in DVDs because VHS tapes are old and bad quality and silly. So I start in on the grandiose explanations and reasonings and he agrees, and we move on. Toys. I let Cade out of the car to run around and started my search. Granted, this can be a bit overwhelming and the messy looking part of thrift stores (uh, among others) but I see beyond all that and start finding the coolest things. I found a small little fire-station that Cade can put his cars through and all kinds of dress up hats. Also a couple cute things Mr. Buddy was interested in. I start shoving them in my cart. Hubby’s looking at me like I’m crazy. I’m trying to explain to him that Easter is right around the corner and this stuff is cheap and cool!!!!! Why buy it new when you can recycle? Finally I just stop what I am doing to converse about his little mini attitude.

Hubs- These things just seem unnecessary to me, I mean why bring more junk into the house?

Me- It's not junk, these are treasures and important things for our house. I'm going to be getting rid of a lot of stuff so I can refill it with beautiful things.

H- This is stuff my grandma used to own. Why would we want stuff like that in the house?

M- For that exact reason, it's awesome!!

Ok- so I am obviously not going to convince him that the store is really NOT full of junk and just stop asking him if he likes the things I pick out. I realized he doesn’t have my vision. That’s okay though, I ended up spending $21 on 2 bag full of things. I am done with Easter, I felt good about finding unique things, well loved and cared for with their own stories.

Later when we were in the car, I asked why he hated being in there so much. He admitted that I did find some cool things like the hats for Mr. Toddler and a neat coffee mug but his reasoning came down to this.

Dude, it smelled like poop in there. And a great grandma’s house… Why would you want to shop at a place that smells like poop and mothballs?

Men just don’t get the vision. I had to laugh at that one. I was so busy finding fun things, I didn’t smell poop. Are you kidding me?

:)

Oh oh spring

2009-03-06T21:27:00.000-05:00

I have been pacing back and forth in my house, unmotivated to do any super cleaning because it feels stuffy, too pet hairish, cluttered from wintertime and lacking fresh air. Today I went thrift shopping and got vintage goodness to brighten my home, which is waiting for its fresh new look, it’s spring rebirth. Gorgeous 1970s canisters for my kitchen, fabric to make spring quilts, coffee after coffee mug and dainty tea cups. Pillowcases, a cooking apron (oh my so cute!), a skirt. I wandered the aisles and let the items pick me. I didn’t even get to make it back to the books but I found so so many things. It felt like home, a place I will return time and again when I have extra money. I’m allowing myself these items because I am going to work to earn them. I am going to spring clean, organize, rearrange, reposition furniture, dust, make curtains, clean the windows, shampoo carpets, purge old things to bring new ones in. It is a overwhelming task, but one that I plan to tackle. My focus and motivation will be on beautifying, simplifying, giving every little thing a home, having only the most special objects sticking around. I will be giving away many things to anyone who would like goodies for your own home!! I just can’t wait for the end result, a home that finally feels like home because it’s full of very important things that inspire myself and my family. We have been hanging on to everything we have owned for years and years. I think it’s time for a fresh new start!!! Bring it on spring, give me some cleaning sunshine!

OOO ooo. I have been searching for a quilt to bring home and love forever. I haven’t been able to find ANYTHING in my price range and then it sparked me… www.etsy.com!!! For those of you who don’t know about this website and have a love for handmade treasures, check it out right now!!

Photos

2009-03-05T21:25:00.001-05:00

Thinking trees

2009-03-05T20:51:00.001-05:00

Lately I have been really fascinated by trees. I am not sure why all of a sudden they spark me, their beauty and stories and how they represent a lot about my life. Something that has always existed in my world has so much more real meaning now. As a child I remember climbing trees, swinging from their branches, laying underneath the shade on a hot day, picking apples. And now I find peace and thought and reflection when I turn my attention to trees. I have been finding myself with the desire to sit amongst them, take pictures of them, draw them, write stories and journal about them… Tree origami, photograpy, kids books at the library, my favorite book ever is The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein and I have been carrying it around with me. Most days it is too cold to be where I want to be, outside in the fresh air amongst living and growing beauty. It is very gray in Ohio and gloomy at times. I long all winter for spring, flowers and life. It’s coming soon, I’m being patient. But in the mean time, I find that by actually paying attention to those bare branches this winter, their shapes, and sizes, and uniqueness, it brings me closer to calmness and peace. To me, trees represent deep roots into our earth, spiritual connectivity. Each tree is symbolic of something greater to us: life, wisdom, the moon and sun, strength, energy and peace. It reminds me of the cycle of life and changing. It only takes small awareness in my life to bring about hope and happiness. There are many more wonderful things I am learning about right now. Much more to come soon. In the mean time, I leave you with some pretty pictures I found online until I can upload my trees from my own camera lense. Enjoy our earth,

More random facts about yours truly

2009-02-20T20:47:00.002-05:00

1. I think Sawyer from Lost is the sexiest guy ever. (Well besides my hubby of course). Must be the bad boy thing ;)

2. I had a dream last night that my hubby was going to propose to another girl, and he showed me the ring. We were like Polygamists or something. (Ever seen the show Big Love, it’s great!) I also frequently have dreams of catching him kiss his ex-girlfriend or other girls. When I told him about it the other day he smiled at me and said I was a super jealous person. hmmm.

3. I am desperate for my 2 year old to learn how to clean up after he plays with his toys. He will have every single toy out and about and within an hour the house will be completely destroyed.

4. My favorite movie of all time is Westside Story. It’s so romantic!

5. My favorite number is 5 (I had to put this one 5th).

6. My hubby’s favorite number is 14. And our oldest was born on December 14th. He thought that was all because of him, of course.

7. I am currently in the process of starting a local mom’s club with my sister-in-law. It’s called the Mama Tree and I am really excited about it!

8. I think my hubby snuck off to play some fighting game on the computer. He does this a lot at night when it’s near bed time and the baby gets fussy. How convenient!

9. I would move to California in one sec if the opportunity presented itself. Either there or Spain!
10. I love every single one of my neighbor’s backyards way more than my own.

11. Someday I want to have a completely “green” home!

12. I am not scared of getting blood taken but terrified of getting shots.

13. I have been contemplating having tubal ligation as permanent birth control. That is until I read details about how the procedure is performed! I’m going to make my husband do that whole snip snip thing soon. ;)

14. Mr. Toddler is the best at whipping up some yummy play food for dinner. If only he was old enough to cook for real!

15. Since we have all been sick, the TV has stayed on for days it seems. I got so sick of cartoons today, I turned off all TVs and feel like the world is at peace again. Mr. Toddler is actually playing with his toys and reading books instead of watching that darn TV!

16. Today I took the kids to the library and it was my first trip out of the house in a looonnng time. We read lots of books, played with puzzles and I got a bunch of new cookbooks to try. Vegetarian and vegan ones too!

17. Speaking of vegetarianism…I have wanted to go vegetarian for a really long time now but haven’t because the hubs says he refuses to go without meat. Now everytime I cook dinner lately, I always always overcook whatever meat I am trying to prepare. I think that is a definite sign. I can’t wait for summer and farmer’s markets!!!

18. My internal clock is telling me it’s nap time. I love to sleep. And my insomnia has gotten better the last few nights because I found an awesome remedy. ;)

Until next time, hope you enjoyed some randomness :)

Fevers, tissues and tea

2009-02-18T20:46:00.001-05:00

Since Saturday I have been plagued with what I am now pretty sure is the flu. And of course, I never get the dang flu-shot because I never get the flu. Never say never. Hubby and I both agreed we’ll be getting ours right along with the boys next year for sure!! Hubs was home Friday-Tuesday just as sick, although he was about one day ahead of me. Today he went back to work, feeling about 75%. I am still at about 25% full operating speed right now. I’m hoping by tomorrow I will start feeling like myself again. The kids have been sick too, but it’s funny with little ones, they can have fevers, coughs and head colds and still want to run and play and coo like it’s nothing. I wish I had that ambition :) Nevertheless, today the boys slept in until about 11am (wow!!) and I made a bunch of food and snacks and tea and we camped out in mama’s big bed watching Oswald and Sesame Street until nap time. Then when hubby got home, he took the kids downstairs and I slept until 7:00 pm!! I was so exhausted, more than anything, from not sleeping the last few nights. I tried to take some Nyquil last night because I’ve heard how good it is for knocking you out cold, but stupid me, I cannot take things like that because my body adversly reacts to cold medicines and sleeping pills. After I drank the recommended dose (yuck!!) I started to feel really sleepy and went to lay down. I was exhausted and lay in bed for hours, eyes closed praying for sleep to come. No such luck. My brain would not shut down and I started feeling really anxious from the effects of the Nyquil. Needless to say, I finally fell asleep at around 4 this morning. Boo for insomnia!

Thankfully the babes are in bed early tonight (they need their rest too, the poor little fellas) and I’m going to take a nice hot bath and go back to sleep. I hope I can relax tonight and drift off into dreamland peacefully for once this week!!!

Sick day lovin’

2009-02-16T20:45:00.001-05:00

I have officially learned to make the best out of not so great situations ;). This weekend hubby and I were babe-free and decided to go out and celebrate old school style (aka, go to the bars and do some drinking). Instead of worrying about going to a fancy restaurant for a valentine’s dinner, we dined at one of my favorite pubs and ate bar food. I drank a couple draft beers and then we moved on to our hold stomping grounds, the bar we met at and spent many a night drinking at. It was completely dead at 7:00 pm when we got there, but hubs and I had fun playing darts and air hockey until I started feeling reallllly dizzy. We both were battling head colds which got the best of me after a not so healthy meal and drinks and more activity than I have managed in awhile. The rest of the plans flew out the window as I begged my hubby to take me home to bed. On the ride home (3o minutes approximately) I had to keep my head in between my knees or else I was going to throw up or pass out. I felt utterly miserable and I knew my babe did too because he was sneezing, eyes watering, nose dripping and we both wanted nothing more than to get home to our cave. Needless to say I was sound asleep by 10pm and spent all of today feeling pretty crappy. Now it’s way way past my bed time and I still feel horrible. I can’t sleep because I am all stuffed up and the cold has moved into my chest. I also am having periods of dizziness and nausea to top it all off. I KNOW I need to be sleeping right now because I’m pretty sure hubby is going back to work tomorrow (in spite of this horrible cold he has) and I am going to be on my own with the little guys.

Even though my Valentine’s day turned out a little sickly (haha) I was happy to be with my husband. After almost 6 years together, it feels nice to cuddle up on the couch with tea and tissues and be sickfaces together. It’s not true love without spending an anniversary/valentines day spreading some sick germ cuddles and kisses!!

Anniversary, shamaversary

2009-02-11T20:43:00.000-05:00

So today Hubby and I celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary. And by celebrate I mean I saw him for about two minutes before I left for work and about 10 minutes after I got home before he was in bed at 9:15. We had a rough night last night with Mr. Buddy. He refuses to sleep, his poor cheeks are not really getting much better in spite of everything I have tried and he wakes up about 15 times a night just rubbing his cheeks raw. This weekend my in-laws are taking the boys so Hubs and I can go celebrate for real. I am excited about that but not putting too much emphasis on doing anything special because it is Valentines day, places are really crowded and I don’t want to plan a bunch of things because frankly I am reallllly tired. To the point of sleepwalking most every day. Oh and my phone broke last night and will not turn on. Now I am forced to be out of touch with people even more than I already am. It’s so frustrating some times how difficult it is to make phone calls or respond to emails the way I used to. I get sick of only having a couple minutes to myself each day away from the kids. I wish I had more time in the day to get things done that are important. But right now, I can only focus on my family and the rest of those precious moments I must take for myself or else I will lose it and wind up in the mental hospital again. ha! All joking aside, I am thankful for the moments I do have for myself and the time I get to spend with my husband, but I am a little bummed right now that this day went by as every other day does. He even had to remind me this morning that it was our anniversary because I didn’t know the date or the day of the week practically. I can only hope that this weekend we can make up for lost time. And by that I mean probably sitting on the couch watching TV and getting a good night’s sleep because that’s what us old folks do when the kids go away. :)(P.S. Did I mention in 3 years we have acquired a home, 2 cars, 2 kids, a dog and a chaotic life very UNREMINISENT to our life 3 years before all this? Even tho I miss our “us” time sometimes, I would never change the way things have turned out for us. We are both very lucky to be where we are).

Ohhhh hiidddeee ho

2009-02-05T20:43:00.001-05:00

I am sooooo soooo sleepy at this very moment and can’t wait to hop into my nice warm bed and read or cozy up to hubs and sleep. This week was interesting for me. I was provided a break from the daily struggles I had been dealing with and which were overwhelming me. I met nice people, sat around a lot, slept even more, and basically just chilled out for a week. I missed my babes so much though, the whole car ride home my heart was beating out of my chest and I just couldn’t wait to get in the house!

Being away from my family for a week made me realize how nice I’ve got it in this world. I have love, friendship, people to support me, a great treatment team for my mental stability and above all else, I have freedom. And on that note, my eyelids are drooping.

Oh why, oh why can’t I ever sleep?

2009-01-30T20:37:00.001-05:00

Ever since Mr. Buddy babe was born in October, my body has decided it would rather just not sleep at night. I guess it decides there are more important things to do, like getting on the Internet in a dazed state to look up whatever random things pop into my sleep deprived mind. I have been awake now for 2 hours (It’s 2:19 am currently) and brain/interneting has gone a little something like this: Hmm…hubby and I want to go away for our anniversary v-day weekend. I should start looking into that.

Websighting to follow: Cincinnati destination spots, Newport on the Levee, lots and lots of hotel searching, dinner menus at various locations, calendar of events. Then I decide that maybe we can just try and make it to the beach some way some how. So I search for the nearest/warmest beach in proximity to Ohio. East Coast beaches. Those are out, too cold. The Carolinas. Could work but if were talking warm, we should do Florida. So I’m looking up plane tickets, hotels, is this a feasible idea for one weekend away? No. So back to Ohio. Well maybe we can go to Windsor. Nope, passports are needed now and I bet it’ll be dang cold up there. So maybe we’ll just stay home and get out for a night on the town. I start looking up restaurants that might be fun to try. Then I’m thinking, if we’re going to stay home, maybe I can just make a nice romantic dinner for ourselves to save money. From here, my mind steers me to some thoughts on home.

We are over 150 minutes on our cell phone bill. Hubby hasn’t told me yet but I’m guessing that is going to be one steep bill. I should look into home phones.

Websighting to follow: I’ve always wondered about that Magic Jack thing, so I do some researching. Then I’m comparing Vonage, Time Warner digital phone and At&t. I get frustrated cause this really is hubby’s department and I can’t make a decision like that right now. So I start thinking about saving on money and budgeting and taxes and how we can pay off some credit card debt.

Oh speaking of credit cards, I need to order my friend a gift card to Babies R Us since she’s due in a month.

Websighting to follow: Babies R Us, where I get caught up looking at all the little girl things on her registry and dreaming about it would be like if we had a girl in the house.

No couldn’t work. I’m kind of getting used to this all boy thing. I get boys, they are simple creatures. If I throw a girl in the mix, I’ll have to spend the next 18 years analyzing the way a girl’s brain works and that is too complicated a task for me. I have enough trouble with my own mind. Shoot..I should start doing some research on birth control options so we don’t accidentally create another baby. I would so cry if that happened. Literally ball my eyes out and ask my sister to adopt said future child.

Then I’m laughing hysterically in the darkened office with everyone around me sleeping at the thought of who knows what. Babies, husbands, sisters, family. I literally just have a laughing fit for no apparent reason but those passing thoughts all of a sudden are making me a little too giggly. Maybe I need to settle down and get some rest. Go read in my bed.

But crap, I haven’t accomplished anything. Well I ordered the Babies R Us card. And I have even more options for our weekend away. Maybe I’ll leave a note for Justin to research home phones at work and decide where we are going on vacation. Tell me what to do and I’ll book the trip.

After all of this, I started thinking this might be something fun to blog about, so I logged on here and am still giggling at these really unfunny little happenings that are comical to me. My brain is so whacky sometimes.

I’ve got 12 books piled up on my bedside table and I am dying to read until I pass out but I’m afraid I will wake my sleeping husband who has been getting very little sleep as well. (Mostly because I just start talking to him in my fully wakened state and his completely unawakened state about things that pop into my head. I carry on conversations with him like he is sitting up next to me. He just responds with the customary uhhhhhh and mmmmm and kkkkkkk’s.

Needless to say, I do really need to get some sleep at some point in time. I usually do best from about 6 am until 9:30 or so, or whenever the kitties wake me up. Mr. Buddy comes into my bed for a bottle and cuddle time around 5:30-6:00 and he’ll fall back asleep there. Caden didn’t even wake up until 10 am yesterday and I uphold the idea that you should never ever wake a sleeping baby/toddler!!!

Until my next late night posting. Happy Friday!

Yay for aloe!!

2009-01-28T20:34:00.001-05:00

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been fighting a never ending battle with Mr. Buddy’s horrible eczema and have been losing until today. His rash on his cheeks seemed to be clearing up with multiple applications of Aquaphor over the last couple of days. Then around 5 pm I received a package from UPS that I am seriously calling a miracle cure. I ordered this whole leaf aloe vera gelly online and within just one application on the babe’s body, I noticed a huge improvement. The second application made it even better. The redness and inflammation have gone down and I notice that the cracking and dryness are starting to smooth out. It’s a little sticky upon applying, but dries soft and smooth as can be. I made sure to lather this all over my arms before I tested it on him, and I am so incredibly happy right now. I hope it continues to work and provide complete healing.

Today was a snow day for the whole family, and we were definitely snowed in. For some reason we are the last street in the neighborhood that gets plowed, so us folks on the cul-de-sac are stuck inside until the plow guys come by. I didn’t mind though. I like having hubby home with me during the week and I took advantage of his presence and allowed myself to relax a little and catch up on some journaling and reading I have been wanting to do. Hubby took Mr. Toddler outside because he had been bugging us ALL day to play in the KNOW (his word for snow). I told him as soon as he woke up from his nap he could go outside with dad. So at 4pm when I went into his room to get him, the first thing he reminded me about was going outside. I got him all dressed and bundled up and the boys headed out for some wintery fun. I’m so not a wintery person so I stayed inside with Mr. Buddy and watched from the sliding glass doors. I thought it was really cute later on when Mr. Toddler proceeded to tell me in his attempt at forming sentences that “Boy and dadda in “know” and he layed down on the ground to show me a snow angel on the carpet. I asked Justin, “did you teach Cade how to make snow angels?” and he said “yep!” How fun. Oh, and if I haven’t mentioned before, Mr. Toddler calls himself “boy” and has been doing this for awhile. Who knows if he will ever say his name, but atleast he understands that he’s a boy! lol.

Well early to bed and early to rise. My week is all messed up now since we had this break right in the middle of it, but I already put in my work day for the week and have nothing much to do but hang out, kick my feet up and keep on hibernating.

Reflecting

2009-01-26T20:30:00.002-05:00

So I have been thinking about why some people come into our lives and what greater meaning it all holds. I’ve met many people in my life that have come and gone throughout the years, but lately I have come to the understanding that it is more important than ever to be more guarded with myself because my decisions on who I bring into my life not only affect me, but my family as well. I have always tried to make friends with people of value and who care about relationships, who are not self-motivated and aren’t full of drama. I don’t have time for that in my life right now with a husband and two little kids. Lately I have been asking myself what are the boundaries I would like to create in friendships, and in relationships with family and that is something I am still working on. Yesterday during a conversation with a friend, I realized that I have been allowing myself to find self worth in other people for many years. There may be several reasons for doing this and it seems like this is an old pattern I really need to break. Being happy alone and with myself are things I am finding each day and a big part of my healing. Along this path of healing, I have allowed myself to establish a close connection with a few other people struggling with healing in their own lives. I reached out to these people and felt like I could help them, desperately wanted to make sure they were okay. I felt these relationships may be ones that would last. Over the past few weeks, however, I have noticed that unless I keep making the effort time and again, the communication ceases to exist, and it has left me feeling more alone than ever. In truth, these “friends” never asked for my help and I have set unrealistic expectations about what I want or need from them in return. It is important that the people I surround myself with appreciate me and what I have to bring to a friendship. This is the way I view the people closest to me. I am appreciative of their presence in my life and the helping hand they provide in my time of need. I suppose I may never know the true meaning to come from allowing myself the vulnerability to open up to others, except maybe it’s a lesson I needed in emotional limits and self-care. So many times I worry about helping others that I put my own needs aside. And in relationships where the support system is not fully shared, someone is bound to be left feeling hurt or used, giving emotional support but not receiving it in return. It still definitely leaves me feeling pretty bummed about the friendships I probably need to say goodbye to for the greater good of myself and my family, but upon viewing these priorities, I realized how many incredible people I do have in my life and who will answer the phone when times are tough for me. And with that knowledge, I will continue to let myself heal.

So I have been thinking about why some people come into our lives and what greater meaning it all holds. I’ve met many people in my life that have come and gone throughout the years, but lately I have come to the understanding that it is more important than ever to be more guarded with myself because my decisions on who I bring into my life not only affect me, but my family as well. I have always tried to make friends with people of value and who care about relationships, who are not self-motivated and aren’t full of drama. I don’t have time for that in my life right now with a husband and two little kids. Lately I have been asking myself what are the boundaries I would like to create in friendships, and in relationships with family and that is something I am still working on. Yesterday during a conversation with a friend, I realized that I have been allowing myself to find self worth in other people for many years. There may be several reasons for doing this and it seems like this is an old pattern I really need to break. Being happy alone and with myself are things I am finding each day and a big part of my healing. Along this path of healing, I have allowed myself to establish a close connection with a few other people struggling with healing in their own lives. I reached out to these people and felt like I could help them, desperately wanted to make sure they were okay. I felt these relationships may be ones that would last. Over the past few weeks, however, I have noticed that unless I keep making the effort time and again, the communication ceases to exist, and it has left me feeling more alone than ever. In truth, these “friends” never asked for my help and I have set unrealistic expectations about what I want or need from them in return. It is important that the people I surround myself with appreciate me and what I have to bring to a friendship. This is the way I view the people closest to me. I am appreciative of their presence in my life and the helping hand they provide in my time of need. I suppose I may never know the true meaning to come from allowing myself the vulnerability to open up to others, except maybe it’s a lesson I needed in emotional limits and self-care. So many times I worry about helping others that I put my own needs aside. And in relationships where the support system is not fully shared, someone is bound to be left feeling hurt or used, giving emotional support but not receiving it in return. It still definitely leaves me feeling pretty bummed about the friendships I probably need to say goodbye to for the greater good of myself and my family, but upon viewing these priorities, I realized how many incredible people I do have in my life and who will answer the phone when times are tough for me. And with that knowledge, I will continue to let myself heal.

No rest for the weary, as they say.

2009-01-26T20:29:00.001-05:00

This week/weekend has been the most exhausting time I can remember to date, except maybe the first couple weeks home with a new baby. And for me, I am usually happily doped up on pain pills from childbirth that I walk around in a sleepyheaded state and don’t worry so much about my lack of sleep Mr. Buddy is NOT doing so well right now. He has really severe eczema and is teething. That combination has made for sleepless nights (and I mean possibly an hour if I am lucky) and a crying and fussing child all day long. I have tried every remedy possible to alleviate this horrible rash on his body and face. It has gotten so bad that it just cracks and bleeds and oozes and he spends the entire night scratching his poor itchy face until it’s raw. This has forced me to put socks on his little hands, however the fabric against his rough cheeks creates even more dryness and irritation. The trouble I find with all these products meant to help with eczema is that they are full of ingredients that aren’t good for a baby’s delicate skin and they really don’t work, I’ve tried. I find it funny that they so commonly use alcohol in products meant to prevent drying. I was told by his pediatrician that Eucerin Calming Creme or Triple Cream for eczema would be a good place to start. It’s not. I’ve also tried Aquaphor and Aveeno baths. No relief. Now I am sticking to the alternative side and found a lotion free of parabens, alcohol, and all the other bad stuff and it seems to be helping a tiny itty little bit on his body, but his poor face just keeps oozing away. I’ve tried aloe, a light blend of jojoba oil and sweet almond oil. I broke out my bottle of evening primrose oil and tested a small patch. I’m not kidding when I say that nothing is working. I’ve tried lukewarm baths and lathering his skin with cream after his skin is moist. Water seems to be drying his face out even more. Last night I spent hours scouring websites trying to find a remedy for this. I just ordered a whole leaf aloe gelly that I think might help at-least relieve some of this horrible itchiness he must be experiencing. At his doctor’s office this week, he was prescribed some sort of steroid creme to put on his body with this type of flareup. They said to put it only on his body as it might cause severe burning on his face. Knowing what I know of steroid creams, I found it funny that it was recommended to put this on his little body at all. The little patches on his body will burn just as much as the ones on his face!!! Arg!! Needless to say it’s about 6 in the morning and I don’t think I slept more than 20 minutes. My next step is switching his formula to something super hypoallergenic (and probably expensive as heck!!) and maybe free of milk (but not soy…) and changing his laundry detergent from Baby All/Dreft to something hypoallergenic. I have already started washing everything he touches in a baby safe detergent, but I still think I have to go even further. If anyone can offer suggestions on a good remedy, I would gladly listen!! :) As for the teething, last night I broke out the baby orajel and Mr. Buddy was a happy camper. He was licking his numb little lips, cooing away as drool dribbled down the front of his little chapped face. He’s now passed out in my bed, finally asleep and I better end this now if I want to get a moment’s rest.

Hi! I’m back!

2009-01-21T20:28:00.001-05:00

Okay okay, I promise to be better about writing my daily blog as I have fallen away from it recently. Previously I would use every spare moment I had to write and I miss it. It sure was therapeutic. So, here I am and thank you for reading again! How time flies when you’re a busy mama with little babes, huh? Only 3 and a half months ago I was birthing Mr. Buddy (I swear he weighs like 15 lbs already) and now I can’t even imagine my life without him. Having a second baby definitely added another dimension to our lives: Craziness, chaos, and an overwhelming amount of love. We are still new at this parenting thing. I wonder when it will feel effortless. Maybe it never will. Those little buggers sure throw you curve balls right when you think you’ve gotten it down. Here are some fun/interesting/crazy things that have happened in our lives lately.

1. I have been continuing my therapy and healing every day. I have moments where I get down but I know how to pick myself back up now. And I have such amazing people who love me and catch me when those rough times creep in.

2. Caden colored on every wall in his playroom. He used brown crayon on blue walls and I decided to keep it. Mostly because its flat paint and I have a feeling it will be a project I’m not ready to tackle. Also because I like the colors brown and blue and I’m a sucker for artwork.

3. Colten has learned how to talk. His favorite sayings are the obvious first “Goo’s” but he also loves to say “Oh Oh Oh Oh”, “Ah Ah”, and “Ohhhhaaa”.

4. I’ve totally learned how to live in an imperfect, sometimes really messy and toy-filled house, without having a panic attack or feeling the need to clean every second of the day! YAY! And when I do clean, I make it a fun job for all with music, frequent breaks and a laidback attitude. I find one priority project which I set out to complete and if I do that and don’t get to everything else, so be it! Life will still go on. I know this is hard for some of you to believe!! :)

5. Hubby and I have been having frequent dates (even if it means hanging out on the couch when the babes are in bed) and flirting and putting our relationship above all else. And it’s really working! After 5 long years together and two kids, I feel we are rejuvenated! Maybe someone will see us out someday and say “Oh those crazy kids. Remember what it was like to be all googly-eyed and in love like that?” he he he!

6. Mr. Toddler went to the doctor and weighs 28 lbs, and grew about 2 inches. He’s in the 90th percentile for height and 50th for weight. That means our fat little chunky monkey is really just going to be a tall skinny boy. This, as it turns out, will be a good thing for Mr. Buddy, too. He’ll be happy to know that no matter how fat he gets, he’s not going to POP and will someday be skinny like his big brother.

7. Life really is great! (Just throwing this in here as a random thought). Having a positive outlook is the best thing you can do for yourself. When things feel bad, I tell myself that it’s really not THAT bad and put on a happy face. Oh, and Zoloft seems to help with that too. wink wink.

Well that’s about it for now. I have so much more to talk about. My little lovies keep me so busy and I want to share it all, hence my need to come back more often and update my friends and family. Good night and sleep tight! Oh and Happy Birthday to my sister!!! <3

Cognitive behaviorial therapy and me, best buds forever

2008-12-14T20:26:00.000-05:00

Obsessive-compulsive personality disorder

A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost.
Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
Is over conscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values.
Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
Shows rigidity and stubbornness” [1]

So, the things that have been plaguing me my whole life, perfectionism and the need for total control, are the things that have also been driving me crazy lately (on top of hormones and toddler unruliness). My very insightful therapist has let me know (and no surprise to me), that I have created a false sense of reality for myself; one of utter perfection and where I am able to handle all and control everything. I have been very successful in living in this false world (aka denial) up until this point, and now with a marriage, house, work, and two little boys, I have learned a hard lesson. It made me extremely depressed, anxious, irritable and CRAZY to realize that I JUST CAN’T DO IT ALL. But those feelings are the things I am learning to manage and I’ve had a very interesting week.

I have been in cognitive behavioral therapy for 3 days now. It is a partial hospitalization program where I spend seven hours a day in group therapy, talking, talking, talking, and learning important lessons about the way our brains work, how and why we think negatively and how WE CAN CHANGE the way we think so we can be happier, more adjusted members of society. I am dealing with things I have suppressed inside for many years and figuring out the way my perception of the world effects me unconstructively. I have also met some of the coolest people, all kinds of folks from different walks of lives, struggling with their own personal demons and yet so parallel to me and my life. I have been a very attentive student in my daily therapy, and now have a much better understanding of me. I have a long way to go before I meet my own personal goals with all this (maybe years) but that’s ok. I will do this, with practice and help.

I made the best decision of my entire life seeking help and although I felt ashamed at first, I now realize by bettering myself I will finally be at peace with this crazy world I live in Oh, and hopefully a better Mama too!

When the sun goes behind the clouds, and stays.

2008-12-07T20:25:00.000-05:00

I didn’t really know how to post such a difficult story but I want those who read this, many friends and family, to know of my current struggles. Over the last few weeks I have noticed each morning, after little sleep and anxious nights, the days seem darker and darker. Not just because winter is here in full force, but more so because I feel gloomy, below par and depressed. I began having panic attacks over these feelings and constant anxiety. As the days moved slowly on, the normal stresses I deal with in my life: kids, the house, going back to work, cleaning; have become so crushing to me, I realized I could no longer manage. First the housework started to fall to the wayside and I tried to focus on the kids, my exhaustion so great, I truly couldn’t focus on anything else. Being the control freak that I am, I started panicking that I couldn’t keep the house clean anymore and began living in a constant state of anxiety. Then Mr. Toddler, being in the midst of “terrible twos”, had a very bad week. Nothing I did made him happy. He screamed, cried, threw temper tantrum after tantrum and I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I didn’t know what to say to him to calm him down, I felt myself going into a state of hysterics at his constant fits of screaming. Then Mr. Buddy would start crying and I felt myself about to snap. I have had multiple occasions of locking myself in the bathroom, crying, hoping the madness would just stop, trying to calm myself down so I can deal with these boys patiently. What is happening to me? One night the sun set and with it went my patience, sanity, and happiness.

It has gotten so bad, and so debilitating, that I have decided to seek therapy immediately. I look in the mirror and do not recognize the person I have become. I am trying so hard to be a happy mommy so my kids are happy, but how does one manage this when they would rather hide under the covers and cry? I found an intensive program of counseling and medication management that I will hopefully begin next week. We will have to make many adjustments in our lives to make this work. I will not be able to take care of the kids during the day while I go away for my treatment, so my husband is left to manage childcare. He tells me not to worry about it because he’ll do anything and everything in his power to make me feel better. I am hanging on a string of hope. I’ll do anything to find myself again, to be a happy mama.

Oh joyous food, you break my back

2008-12-03T20:25:00.000-05:00

In our household, the paychecks come only once, at the end of the month. This means that right around the first or second day of the month, our cupboards are bare and it’s time for mommy to head to the store. I wish it was as easy as throwing some food in a cart and going on my way, (like I used to do before my hubby and I were married and living in an apartment). These days I spend the night before scouring websites for recipes, putting together a meal plan and then writing the long grocery list, organized by the way in which I walk through the store. This involves more time and thought than I really care to expend, but it’s the only way to keep the food situation orderly. The meal plan I could also do without, however since I work part-time in the evenings and hubs is responsible for making dinner three days a week, this helps keep him ahead of the game. It’s much harder to get dinner on the table now with two little boys than it was with one.

Today I journeyed out to Trader Joes and Giant Eagle. I loaded my wagon with bags and bags of organic goodies and when I got home, I rearranged the entire pantry and refrigerator, carried in all those heavy bags and fell onto the couch exhausted with the worst back ache ever. I hate grocery shopping more than anything. I do love having lots of food options, however, and $2.40 in fuel perks. So I guess in the end it’s worth that back breaking torture. Until next month anyway.

Random facts about yours truly

2008-12-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

-My all time favorite smell is laundry. But not just the laundry as it comes out of the dryer or the fresh scent of laundry detergent. It’s the smell of clothes being washed as it escapes through the dryer vent and into the outside world. I love taking walks in the summer and catching a trace of that clean smell as it wafts around, intermixing with the delicate breeze. Sigh.

-My second favorite smell is firecrackers being lit off. Ya, that one is a little weirder, but for some reason I enjoy the aroma of sulfur as it burns.

-There are about 12 pillows on my bed and I sleep with all of them.

-I still get scared of the men in space suits in the movie ET.

-I look for four-leaf clovers in every single clover field. I have never found one yet.

-I have been dreaming that many of the main characters in my life are vampires out to get me.

-In college I majored in Spanish. I have lost pretty much all of my speaking ability except when I put this particular CD on with all my favorite Spanish love songs. I can sing every word by heart and actually sound like maybe I’m fluent.

-If I could have any pet in the whole world, I would have an otter. Or a penguin and name her Punky.

-My most favorite song to blast in the car is “Come Sail Away” by Styx. A close contender would be “We Built this City” by Starship or “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. Classics.

-My favorite thing to do as a child was play tetherball. And more than anything I wish I had a tetherball pole in my backyard. I would go out there and whack the heck out of it on a daily basis. And I would challenge ANYONE to a match.

-I would totally make some cookies in an easy bake oven right about now.
-One time I stayed up for 48 hours straight watching HGTV. My brother did too. And when I finally went to sleep, I thought my eyeballs would fall out.

-My little Mr. Buddy went to the doctor today and he weighs 13.1 pounds. I am secretly very happy he is a fat little guy because it reminds me of when Mr. Toddler was a baby, who was way beyond chubby. I love my little Buddha babes!!!

That’s it for now. I’ll share many more randoms with you in the future!

A lazy Sunday

2008-11-30T20:23:00.000-05:00

What I love more than anything are the rare occasions where I can lay in bed for hours and hours and not show my face until I want to. Today was such a day. Feeling exhausted and still under the weather, I decided to hang out in bed with Mr. Buddy (heck, all he wants to do is eat anyway, so he had no qualms about it). Hubby got up with Mr. Toddler and let me rest. I am reading a book that I love, so I allowed myself the ability to become highly absorbed in the plot line. In spite of the fact I have not accomplished that dreaded list of weekend chores consisting of bathroom cleaning (oh joy!), laundry (even greater joy!) and menu/grocery planning for the next month, I’m not going to stress about my lack of ambition. As a mama, I need to take advantage of any small break in the chaotic schedule of our busy lives. Plus, I knew my hubby would be glued to the recliner starting at 4 pm for his precious football game and I had that as ammunition, just in case. As it turns out, this day has been lazy and quiet and relaxing so far and I’m going to go head back to bed!!!

The Black Friday fallout

2008-11-28T20:23:00.000-05:00

So I ventured out to shop today on the busiest shopping day of the year. I had a list full of things to buy and lots of places to venture to. I only made it to Kohl’s and the mall. At Kohl’s I found some great deals, particularly toys for 50% off. And I bought lots of toys, even though I am completely done with the kids. I justified this purchase by telling myself I could use these toys for the potty training mission I am about to embark upon. At the mall I found some cute pajamas from Victoria Secrets and an Elmo CD that sings Mr. Toddler’s name on every song. Needless to say, I didn’t accomplish much on my four hour journey out of the house, however managed to spend a pretty big chunk of money and wait in a few lines that wrapped all the way around the store. It was nice to get out of the house, but I think next year I will lock myself in the office with a big coffee mug of chai tea and do my shopping online. I’m pooped.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T20:22:00.000-05:00

Today we celebrate the things we are thankful for. And I have quite the list. There are many things I am grateful for in my life as a whole, but I want to talk about the things I love the most about this day.

1. I am thankful for my beautiful family; two gorgeous little boys and a very amazing husband. Also I am thankful for all the family we have close by to support us, love us and help us out!

2. The smell of the turkey dinner in the oven, even when you don’t think you can wait another 45 minutes; it’s SO worth it in the end.

3. The Macy’s Day Parade; a fundamental part of my morning Thanksgiving routine. This brings back happy memories of this day as a child and I will continue to pass this tradition on to my kids as they grow.

4. The meal!! Oh my, oh my, don’t we wait all year to stuff our faces the way we do today? I always make sure to wear lose pants. he he!!

5. The dog show!! Forget football or anything else on TV. I would rather watch the dog show, cuddled up on the couch after a huge meal. There’s nothing better.

6. That after dinner nap. There’s nothing more to be said!

7. Being home with my family for the next three days. It’s a mini vacation and reminds me that Christmas is coming soon!!

Happy Thanksgiving to you all, may you be blessed with love and cherish that which you are thankful for!

A Letter for my sister

2008-11-26T20:21:00.000-05:00

Dear Sister,

Thank you calling when you know I am home during the day, probably bored, to provide some adult conversation. Thank you for saying the right things to boost my spirits when I’m having a bad day. Thank you for being an amazing influence in the lives of my two boys.

I am excited that in 6 months you will join the ranks of mommyhood. We have always been the best of friends, following each other through life’s big moments. And when I became a mother for the first and second times, of course you were right by my side. Through my experience raising children, I have learned lessons that only a mother can. You never fully experience true love until your baby is placed in your arms. All of a sudden you look at the world through a new light. It is more beautiful but more frightening at the same time. You feel the need to protect your children from very bad things but hope they will learn how to be wise, thoughtful, loving and responsible adults. You think a LOT, worry even more and give more daily love then you ever thought possible. The love you bestow upon your baby is profound and incredible!

As life has guided us, separately but collectively, we have remained unbroken. And now, you will move even more into the existence I inhabit; a journey into the amazing world of motherhood and I am excited we will be able to share our futures as mamas and friends!

Moments that make you smile

2008-11-25T20:20:00.000-05:00

In spite of the fact that I am feeling horrendously under the weather and extremely exhausted, I started to think about those moments that make you smile in the midst of a crisis or when you are feeling down in the dumps. For me, it’s when the kids do something silly or unexpected. Today, after Mr. Toddler had spilt the dog’s water all over the kitchen and then proceeded to have a slip and slide party in the fallout, Mr. Buddy, who had been a fussy bussy all day, started smiling and cooing at me. His face lit up so much I thought it would burst. Talk about a melt your heart mommy moment. All the other stuff just seemed to fall away. And then, while we were at my work’s Thanksgiving party and I was on the other side of the room (where Mr. Toddler couldn’t see me), I heard a voice rise above the chatter.

“MMMAAAMMMAA!”

It wasn’t the voice of a scared little guy, but instead just curious. My friends attempted to tell Cade that I was across the room, but he still couldn’t see me, so I moved into sight. He smiled so big and came running at me full speed with his arms outstretched saying “Mama, Mama!!!” That hug was the best hug I’ve had in a long time. It was as if he hadn’t seen me in weeks, instead of 30 seconds before.

Its times like these where I feel like all the work I am doing really is appreciated. I know the boys can’t say, “Thanks, Mom.” But at least I know they love me as much as I love them. And that makes me a very happy mama!!

Mommy on call

2008-11-24T20:20:00.000-05:00

Today I woke up and wished, more than anything, that I could call in sick. But don’t we all know that just doesn’t happen in the 128 hour a week mama career. (I figured out I am on actual mommy duty for around 18 hours a day, 7 days a week with sleep periods in between, but I’m definitely on call 24/7!) Not quite sure what was wrong except I was severely exhausted, dizzy with a horrible headache and swollen lymph nodes. My body was NOT happy.

Unsurprisingly, my mommy morning routine was slacking. I lay in bed too long and when I finally got to Mr. Toddler’s room he had done something (for the third time) that completely disgusts me beyond measure. He has recently learned how to undress himself and this particular morning he was sitting in bed, pants AND diaper off. It wouldn’t have been a major problem except he had also decided to use the restroom (number 1) on his clean sheets and pillow. UGH!!! I normally remember to put a onesie on under his PJ’s because he hasn’t yet learned how to undo the snaps, but forgot last night, and was therefore greeted with this lovely situation . We live and we learn. I now know it’s time to start potty training (something I keep putting off).

So that was the start of my morning. I managed to make a pretty pathetic breakfast of pop tarts and OJ before I fell onto the couch and watched my son destroy the house. He also got a morning full of cartoons too, what a lucky little guy. When mom is sick, Mr. Toddler lucks out. I could barely make it to nap time, which I bumped up an hour. When lovely nap time finally came, I collapsed into bed and made a desperate call to hubby asking if he could save me, which I thought would be a futile attempt. However, I think he heard how distressed I was because he did come home and I was finally able to rest and have a break. Unfortunately, tomorrow is a new day and I’m still feeling sick. Boo!!

I’ll just keep reminding myself of the yummy turkey day munchies I will be eating in a few days and hope that lifts my spirits!!

A story about mommy, part 3

2008-11-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

I don’t know about you other mommies out there but I’ll tell you what, evenings in our house are by far the craziest and most eventful of the day.

It’s almost as if the moment my hubby walks in the door, the chaos begins. (Poor hubby! I’m sure he longs for a little peace and quiet after work, but that just doesn’t happen around here on most nights.) The little guys are waking up right around this time, so we play the hubby and wife tag team game. He grabs Mr. Toddler, who is cranky, hungry and usually crying. I get Mr. Buddy who is, guess what! cranky, hungry and usually crying. Thankfully, food is usually our best ally in these situations. I have to give it up for cheese sticks, juice boxes, granola bars and those cute sesame street boxes of goodies cause it’s about the ONLY thing that will make Mr. Toddler happy.

If I’ve had a good day and utilized nap time efficiently, sometimes (on rare occasions) I’ll have dinner going or even ready. Unfortunately, what most often happens is that I do not have dinner started nor the meat thawed to get dinner going. Try as I might and as much as I love cooking, making dinner is always the thing I dread the most. Maybe because it involves too much thinking, (WHAT, thinking?!?) and scrounging around for ingredients, and trying to be creative night after night.

So I embark upon the dinner making expedition. And I most always have an audience. Mr. Toddler will watch from his position on the other side of the gate, (yep, no babes in the kitchen! This helps me keep a little sanity during those chaotic evenings. I can’t even imagine the damage Mr. Toddler would do if he had free range of pots and pans and Tupperware!) As I’m pulling out all the makings for the meal, Mr. Toddler starts his very aggravating routine. He screams and cries that he wants to eat the spaghetti sauce, the pasta noodles, the garlic bread, the ranch dressing.

“No buddy, you will not like this raw garlic clove, trust me!”

And

“Mommy is making dinner, Caden. You will be eating very soon. Be PATIENT!” (Ha ha, good one Mom!)

I just fed this little bugger yogurt, pretzels and an apple. But he wants dinner NOW!!
And then there’s Molly dog, miss nosey, who has to get her two cents in as well. She stands next to Mr. Toddler, just staring at me with her tail wagging and tongue hanging out, begging for her dinner, too.

“You eat with the rest of us, dog, so you learn some patience, too!!”

But gosh how this annoys me.

And what adds to all of this unruliness is that darn TV. Hubby sits on the couch (feeding the baby a bottle, thankfully) and watches TV. After my quiet, TV-free day, you can’t even imagine how I hate this. When I watch TV, I keep the volume on 8 or 9. Hubs, on the other hand and who I swear is half deaf, must crank it up to 17 or 18. And then I am yelling over Mr. Toddler, TURN IT DOWN.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

When dinner hits the table we all sit there (this is the required family meal time I have set in place) and instead of talking, we just eat. And watch Mr. Toddler slather spaghetti all over himself and the floor. Why won’t this child use his fork?!?! I look at my hubby and he looks at me and without saying a word we send these telepathic messages.

“I’m so freaking tired. Is it bedtime yet? You clean Cade up. No you. I’ll clean Cade if you load the dishwasher.”

We fall onto the couch after dinner, read some books, the stupid TV stays on (I have lost this battle time and again. Hubs will not give up reruns of Seinfeld, no way, no how.) Mr. Toddler gets some Noggin time in, and if I’m lucky, I can get back to reading my Twilight books. Yes, I’m one of those silly girls who drool over the love story between Edward and Bella. If you know the books, you’ll understand. But go ahead and tease me either way, this is how I escape most evenings.

Oh lifey life and mommy days. Gosh how I love my kids and husband, but sometimes these days lead into nights and back into days. And don’t ask me why, but after a week of these typical days and nights, all I want to do, more than anything else, is GO SHOPPING AND SPEND SOME MONEY.

Thank goodness for Christmas and or grocery shopping as an excuse, because I sneak out of the house some evenings and leave my hubby to deal with this overly exciting and most fun evening routine. He he he.

A story about mommy, part 2

2008-11-20T20:18:00.000-05:00

It’s hard for me to believe (I’m most definitely in complete denial) that we have had freezing cold, snowy days already this November. It went from being gorgeously sunny to freezing cold overnight. So typical of Midwest weather.

Needless to say I am quite the homebody on these particular cold snowdays.

And so it’s the middle of the day. And we play. Or rather Mr. Toddler plays and I take breaks from the daily cleaning (ugh!) to hang out with him. And to pick up after him. (We are working on cleaning up the toys after he is done playing.) If I don’t travel around the house picking up toy animals, books and blocks, we will for sure be in the midst of a danger zone in less than 30 minutes. Mr. Toddler is quite the clumsy little guy and I worry about him tripping on those little wooden cars he just set up in the hallway.

I have taken a break from TV lately. Today we listened to the Top 100 Toddler favorites on C.D. I used to work in a specialty toy store all throughout college and have realized, because of that job and the hours upon hours of children’s music I endured, how relatively easy it is to tune out kids music, annoying and loud plastic toys and a host of other such things. I think this bothers my hubby sometimes because I am pretty good at tuning him out too. Oops.

On a normal day, Mr. Toddler and Mr. Buddy and I don’t really do anything overly exciting. We have fun, cuddle up, eat yummy food and then, before I even realize it…naptime.

Oh beautiful, gorgeous, lovely nap time.

I have been lucky in that my almost 2 year old loves to nap. He will sometimes sleep for up to 3 hours or longer! And it looks as if the newest guy will be the same way. For the past couple weeks I have been able to get both babes sleeping soundly, at the same time, for a stretch of 3 hours. While I was pregnant I used this nap time to sleep away the afternoon. Now, however, there is so much I want to do; sleeping is just not an option. Getting a shower in is always high on the list. Logging on to facebook to chat with friends is fun as well. I also love to read when the house is completely quiet. My imagination is full of life during these times. I am so thankful for naps.

And after this much needed rest and time for myself, I put my happy go lucky mommy gameface on to greet these little buggers when they wake up.

And then there’s the evening ritual, a whole other blog in itself. Whew.

A story about mommy, part 1

2008-11-19T20:09:00.001-05:00

My hubby kisses me goodbye every morning (yay! I love that he does this, although sometimes I can only open one eye and mumble something I’m sure he can’t understand). If I’m lucky I can get one more hour of sleep in before Mr. Toddler starts hollering from down the hall.

“Mama dada mama dada MA MA!!!”

Next to me is my sleeping chubby buddy who I leave put. He’ll sleep for 45 more minutes, if I’m lucky.

And here we go!

Into Cade’s room, quick diaper change, he picks out the dinosaur shirt, I put on his jeans and he his slippers.

“Shhhhh, indoor voice, don’t wake baby,” as we head down the hall.

“Ride Mama!!” He hops on my back for the first choo-choo mama ride of the day

“Alright bubby, what do you want for breakfast?”

“AP-PLE JU-ICE!!” How’d I know?

Today it was scrambled eggs, pears and milk. He eats sllloooww, I eat fast! We carry on a conversation about Oswald and his harmonica and I ask him if he hears a dinosaur (this is the new thing we do to learn to listen! I say…dooo you hear a giraffe?” and he’ll say “nnnooooo.”)
But we both hear Mr. Buddy. He’s awake and he’s HUNGRY (This child eats more than I have ever seen a newborn eat!! I could spend ALL DAY feeding this fatty and he’d be the happiest baby around!) But seriously, aren’t fat babies the best?!? I love to nibble on those fat cheeks and kiss those pudgy rolls!!!

We settle in for buddy’s morning nursing session, Mr. Toddler brings ALL the library books we just recently checked out and we read and read and read. Side note: You must check out the book Overboard by Sarah Weeks. What a fun time!!

We sing Mr. Buddy songs about the silly little monkey in the tree, (if you don’t know this one, I will totally teach you. It’s the best) and the wheels on the bus, and peanut on the railroad track. We both agree that Mr. Buddy babe is the cutest thing in the whole world and take turns pinching his fat cheeks. And of course we don’t forget about Molly dog (aka ruff ruff).
We cuddle up for another cold day. Its 32 degrees and we are warm inside with blankets, blocks and books!!