Gratefulness

So here spills from my heart a cry of gratefulness, beyond what I can measure or put into words but I will try.

God,

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for Your Son, who came to Earth.
Thank you for Your Son who felt hunger, temptation, suffering, love, longing, hurt, joy, family, friendship, wisdom, pain.

Thank You, in Your Infinite, Divine, Celestial Perfection, for sharing a Love so great; for imparting to us as a human species, an eternal outpouring of acceptance; of justice. A teaching of joy and peace. An ever existence of Truth in our hearts no matter how they may sway. The Strongest of shoulders to lean on. The Perfect sunset. The showmanship of Love. Oh how I would be lost without that.

Thank you a million times over for rain and for sunshine; for the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. For a thousand miles where You are my only companion; followed by a life filled with hugs of no end.

God, I am blessed. Oh Lord, I am blessed. I am right where I should be. I am in Your arms tonight. Loved. Loved. Loved.

Thank you Jesus, thank you Oh my Jesus. My Jesus.

Music in the Rain

There used to be a time in my life when my outlook, my mood, my thoughts, my happiness centered around the weather, circumstances, finances, relationships and good health among others. These are things that are always changing, shifting. And just like the rise and fall of the ocean waves, so went my mood, up and down every day. I had hopes of waking up and looking on the bright side of things, but inevitably something would happen, as life does, to bring me down. It was a terrible way to live, running and hiding when things went wrong, nothing ever going the way I wanted them to for long. I shudder when I think about the countless hours that I laid in bed with the covers over my head, willing my problems away, angry and living in fear that nothing would ever be how I wanted it to be. I tried to turn to medication in order to alleviate the pain of the emotional roller coaster I was on: anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-pain meds. I blamed my pain on hormones, on everybody else, on the heavy workload, on the seasons, on my ill health. I thought if i just had more money, better health, more sunshine, more time to myself, more whatever, then I would be okay. That life would be okay.

As much as I disliked that time in my life and even the person I was back then, the true me, my awakened soul, knows that I must be gentle to her and love that broken girl who was struggling to find her path to joy. Grace allows me to see the truth about that chapter in my journey: how necessary it was to go through in order to fall forward to where I am now.

It rained quite a lot over the last week; quite a few dreary days that make you want to stay in bed. I am also sick with a sinus infection and have been sick off and on for the last month. In spite of that, I was keenly aware of a shift in my perspective about those realities. For one, I noticed myself staring out the window a lot, focused on the rain and the way it slid over the glass, large raindrops and small ones, beating gently in a rhythmic and soothing way. I focused on my breathing when things became overwhelming or when I felt myself slip into a fearful place. And when I couldn't even breath because my sinuses were so clogged, I sat over a steaming bowl of water and inhaled the fragrant sent of tea tree oil, staring at my eyes in the reflection of the water and seeing myself in a whole new way. My eyes didn't look tired even though my body felt that way. They appeared alive, shimmering and dancing to the music inside my heart.

Each day I make an effort to find the things I am thankful for, and to ask God to reveal the lesson I was meant to learn that day. What did each situation, conversation, moment come to reveal to me? What beautiful imprint of life can be permanently etched in my mind like a painting? This week it was about the rain and music. I felt in my soul the realization that there is music in music and there is music in the rain. There is music in the creaking of the stairs and in the dishwasher running. There is music in the way the coins, which slipped out of the pants pockets in the dryer, beat against the sides as it turns and turns. There is music in the laughter of my children. There is music in the wind. There is music in breath. And there is eternal music, the kind that will live on after death and through all of life's rising and falling waves, in that which we call love.

Awakening

The Awakening Conference in Chicago. Truly an enlightening and amazing experience.

Summer Adventures..

Our family took its first hiking trip to a state park about 1.5 hours south of our town last weekend. My hubby and I loved going when we were dating and we actually took a mini honeymoon here as well! There are endless caves to explore, scattered with waterfalls and wildlife, rocks and sticks. It was quite the adventure for two little boys! It is also really amazing what being outside, away from the daily grind, even for 24 hours, can do for your soul. Rejuvenation! Enjoy the pictures below...

Rooptops

Giving up.

About half way through the day today, a thought started running through my mind. First it was a quiet thought and then it got louder until finally it was a scream and I typed the thought out and sent it to my sister in a text. "I don't even know why I bother. I should just give up." Yep, that was it. And I meant it. I wanted to throw my hands up, jump into a cold pool and stay under the water until everyone just chilled out.

Do you ever have a series of days (or weeks) when everything just seems off? I do. They cycle and hit every few months and this weekend was just like that. After many difficult and seemingly endless circumstances, I began to wonder if it was all just ME. Was the rest of the universe aligned perfectly fine for everybody else and it was just me who remained off balanced? Sunday night afforded a short time to myself when everybody else was in bed and I spent time in prayer. I woke up today fully expecting to have a GOOD day. Life throws us curve balls, ALL THE TIME. My boys had what I am deeming "Veruca Salt Syndrome" from the time they woke up. "I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!!" A much needed phone call with my husband turned out short and snappy. I cried when I got off the phone and put my two year old down for an early nap. That's when the dreaded thought began circulating. I spend so much of my life trying to take care of others. I love doing it, I know that is why I am here. I am a mother and a wife, I serve at church, I encourage friends and family. But what do I do when all of my efforts seem for nothing? Kids and spouses are unhappy no matter what I do, children still scream, speedy drivers cut me off even when I drive slowly. Why do I even bother and should I just GIVE UP. We all feel that way sometimes. I try not to, but I just do.

Tonight I have small group. Normally I look forward to it, but today it felt like it was just another thing to check off my to-do list. Go and put on a happy face when I really just want to hide in bed and take a giant time-out. I opened up our workbook to begin the first lesson, feeling defeated and disconnected.

"I fear our generation has come dangerously near the 'I'm-getting-tired-so-let's-just-quit' mentality. And not just in the spiritual realm. Dieting is a discipline, so we stay fat. Finishing school is a hassle, so we bail out. Cultivating a close relationship is painful, so we back off. Working through conflicts in a marriage is a tiring struggle, so we walk away. Sticking with an occupation is tough, so we start looking elsewhere. (Charles Swindoll)

In a world where quitting has become chronic, God says persevere. Too many people are taking the easy way out. This is true in many realms of life, including the spiritual realm. Yet God tells us through James that perseverance through the tough times is the pathway to spiritual maturity and completion." (Study of the Book of James by Bill Hybels)

My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need." (James 1:2-4)

The study goes on say that what we learn in our own troubling times is how to help others and encourage them to keep pushing on when they are struggling. The mountains we climb will bring us closer to God and help us grow in spiritual maturity. I felt reminded that there is a reason for my struggles, they are developing important Godly character traits in me. It allowed me to spend time reflecting on what I call frustrating problems and what God calls important and necessary lessons to develop patience. I now know why giving up is a temporary solution, but perservering has an eternal reward.

I guess I can appreciate those curveballs when they reveal the Truth I need to realign my heart and mind.

Sunday of Holy Week

This is the beginning of Holy Week. My spirit knows this. I am overtaken with emotions that I have never felt before. There was also an amazing message at church today that spoke to my heart. Needless to say, this Sunday has been awash with my tears. It is so cleansing sometimes.

I looked out the window just now, as I clip my Sunday coupons, and saw my husband and oldest son in matching blue and black jackets playing in the yard. Something so powerful came over me, and my heart spilled out tears of joy and thankfulness. God has blessed me with a life that for a long time I took for granted. Now I just cannot believe that this is all mine.

Today the sun shines and the skies are perfect blue. I know that a sunny day is a gift. It is a day I must not let slip away without rejoicing in it. Today is a glorious day to be alive!

I have had a realization (a full on "a-ha" moment from God). My heart, broken in a million different ways, is literally being rebuilt before my very eyes. Is this supernatural? Sure feels like it. I often find myself feeling so overwhelmingly loved, in ways I have NEVER felt before, that I will burst into tears. It is absolutely that emotional and I am not sure how else to react sometimes. I feel so sappy lately; I wonder if people think I am crazy? =)

Music feels so alive and soulful to me. I am desperate for poetry, God's Word, journaling and other forms of expression that become not only a creative outlet, but a form of worship that fills me up. When I refuel myself in God's presence, I honestly feel like I can face the day. Sometimes I am refueling all day long, otherwise I become disheartened and run down. But regardless, I find that if give ALL of myself over, all of myself is returned on FIRE and filled up.

So blessed

God has been shining so brightly into my heart lately. I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed. Every night I fall asleep praying for Him to use me as a vessel for His Love and Light. To shine this beautiful Love all around to others and to the world. It's easy to do when you read His Word and it speaks the most truthful and powerful messages into your soul.

Last night I spent time with my brother and his best friend. Being around others who love the Lord and talking about God's love and how thankful we are to be loved unconditionally is so overwhelming and wonderful. We spoke about how much hope we feel and how much joy we always have no matter what is happening in our lives . How dusty and dirty our shoes are and how they have walked in deep trenches and we have all dealt with the hardest of situations and no matter what, we are still so honored to put those shoes on each and every morning and stand tall and strong in the middle of battles. We are here to do God's work, to love each other and to shout God's name even when we find ourselves in the middle of tough times.

We chatted about worship and how each of us connects to God. I love to listen to music with a powerful message and pray it as my own, letting my soul sing out to God as I become one with Him and the music. I am revived when I do this, filled up with His power. My friend said he loves to look around at all the beautiful things of this world; nature, people, creation and celebrate the Lord as the Amazing Creator and Perfect Master Artist, saying thank you for blessing us the way He does.

I am just so thankful to know this kind of love. I am thankful to celebrate with those who know it and feel hopeful that someday those I love who do not know the Lord will find Him in their lives as well. He is all around us and always reaching out gently to us . I am blessed by the life I have been given and hope to honor it and others through Christ's perfect example.

I trust you.

Father, I have complete and utter faith in You. There are so many questions I have, most without answers, so I wait on You, Lord. I don't understand the ways of this world, of people, of situations that arise. Trusting You is the only thing I know how to do, and You fill me up with peace and love each and every day. I am blessed by Your grace and how You shine light into my heart. Even without answers I feel calm because I know that You will take care of me no matter what. Your ways are perfect, who You are is perfect and I pray only to continue to trust in You for Your perfect wisdom. Amen.

Words

This weekend I struggled a little bit with communication in various ways. I felt that I wanted to speak what is deeply embedded in my heart, knowing that it comes from a place of love and, I hope, good intention. But I don't know that I did a great job of articulating the words in a manner that was received the way I intended. Or that the pure love that I felt actually rose up with the words that were spoken. When I signed into Facebook this morning, I checked my "Message from God" and here is what it said:

"On this day of your life, Kacy, we believe God wants you to know that sometimes being silent is the only way to speak the truth. Sometimes words simply cannot capture the subtle nuances of your feelings. In such times, avoid being verbally misunderstood, by letting the silence speak through your eyes, your breathing, your posture."

There are definitely times when these little messages speak directly to my heart about what I have been experiencing. Communication is hard for me. I am not really the "silent type" and feel the need to fill empty pauses with words. I am working on just sitting in silence sometimes and letting the Spirit lead me to speak what would be best understood and meaningful to the person I am speaking to. I am also really working on trying to figure out where the words come from, what the intentions are behind them, before I speak. I also just want to learn to listen and not always give advice. I often try and "fix" problems by brain storming solutions out loud.

I think God is showing me that I don't have the ability to fix things. Sometimes words are not enough to offer comfort, let alone bring resolution. I am learning to trust that God has a plan for everyone in this world and not interfere by trying to play His role. I do feel the best in my heart and soul when my words encourage others, however, and I believe there is a reason for that. I know that I have been given a gift to offer my support and love and will continue to do that as I am called to. I just realize now that there is a time and a place to speak and to open up with words of love and there is a time to remain silent and let the presence of the Spirit do the talking.